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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: WEATHER (07/19/18)
The rain pelted Mira with fury as she struggled against the angry wind. It was the worst storm to hit South Florida in several years, but Mira’s thoughts were not on the raging storm. Had it only been six years since that night? That awful sound of screaming tires and the crunch of metal as the car she was riding in slammed into the rear of the tractor-trailer. She was only ten when it happened but could still hear the sound of her screams as her mother’s blood soaked through her white cotton dress. Mira became a ward of the state that fateful night, just another number in the foster care system.



“You were wrong Mom,” Mira sobbed, as she pulled her flimsy jacket tightly around her shoulders. “No God would take you and leave me in this place! Where is my savior?” Tears flowed freely down her hot swollen cheeks; I hate him, I hate him she hissed through clenched teeth.



Mira had come to live with the Turner’s just three months ago, her fifth home in as many years. She overheard a caseworker say it was her age that made it difficult to place her. No one believed her accounts of the abuse she suffered, so she knew it wasn’t any use in seeking help from them this time. Mr. Turner was so mad she knew if he found her it was likely he would kill her.



Mira could hear the threats and cursing coming from her foster father as he chased after her in the storm. By now pain was coursing through her body, and she feared she would not be able to escape his anger. Finding an open door in an abandoned building, she dragged her aching body through the opening. Closing the door behind her, she collapsed on the floor her heart racing. She held her breath as the footsteps stopped outside the doorway. She could almost hear him breathing. Suddenly her hand touched a board leaning against the wall, and it fell with a loud crash. Unable to move she watched in horror as the knob on the door began to turn.



Suddenly, out of nowhere a figure approached the door and flung it open. “What do you want old man!” he snarled, “You got no business here!”



“I’m looking for my daughter,” replied Mr. Turner, taking the time to keep his voice even and calm.



“Do I look like a babysitter?” snapped the young man. “Now git before I sick my dog on you!”



Mr. Turner turned away as the young man slammed the door behind him. All was quiet for a few minutes. Mira could hear nothing but the howling wind and rain. Then the young man turned toward her and said, “He’s gone, you can come out now.”



“Who are you?” Came the timid reply from Mira.



“Your Savior,” he replied with a hint of mischief in his voice.

“You’re shaking, come with me it’s warmer in the back.”



Mira was hesitant to follow him but realized he was the best thing she had going for her at the moment. “Why did you do that, back there?” she asked following him through a door in the back of the room.



“You looked like you could use some help,” he replied, turning to look at her.



Mira could see the concern and compassion in his eyes. “What did you mean by being my savior,” she asked? “My mother used to talk about a savior when I was little.”



“I’m not that Savior,” he replied smiling broadly. “But I did protect you from danger. Isn’t that what a savior does?”



“I really don’t know,” Mira replied seating herself cross-legged on the floor. “I didn’t understand back then and haven’t thought much about it since,” Mira responded, fighting to prevent the tears that threatened to escape down her cheeks.



“My name is Jude,” the young man offered, seating himself in front of her. I may not look the part but I belong to a youth group that works this area looking for anyone who needs saving.” He spoke softly reaching out he took her hands in his. “I would like to introduce you to the real Savior if you will let me.”



For the first time since she lost her mother, Mira felt safe. She would meet the Savior of her soul that night and would soon learn, she had also met the savior of her body, her future husband.
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This article has been read 1414 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Terry R A Eissfeldt 
07/26/18
This is a great story. Well done!
Lollie Hofer 
07/26/18
Gripping story. You did an incredible job with your MC. I could feel her fear, doubt, pain. Your dialogue was strong. The only red ink would be to make sure your story is polished before submitting it. For example, you missed some quotation marks in some of your dialogues. Maybe break up some of your larger paragraphs as well. Overall, very well done.
Jenny Fulton 
07/26/18
Great job with the action and development of this story! You held my attention from start to finish.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/01/18
Wow this is an outstanding story. You grappled my attention in the first line and I found myself holding my breath until the very end. My only red ink is sic my dog was spelled wrong. You gave me goosebumps while delivering a few great messages. You also did great writing on topic in more than one way.
Darlene Kennedy
08/03/18
I really enjoyed your story. It kept my interest from the first line and had me riveted until the very end.

The only thing I would suggest is to make sure your punctuation is correct before submitting. I saw several places that were missing commas, but overall it was well deserving of 1st place.
Kate Amy
08/03/18
Love this!
Kate Amy
08/03/18
Love this!
Bonnie Bowden 
08/04/18
Congratulations on your 1st place finish, Rachel.

It's good to see the depth of talent from some of the newer writers.
Lillian Rhoades 
08/14/18
This is such a well-crafted story. Riveting plot, suspense, and great ending makes this story deserving of its third place Best of the Best Contender. Congratulations!
Bonnie Bowden 
11/02/18
Congratulations on winning the quarter!