The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/25/16
What a heartwarming story. I'm glad someone stepped up to help this young mother out.

Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
This is a nice written story that many mothers of small churches could relate to.

The teaching example is seen in the older lady taking the time to offer help she recognized as her gift. When each person uses their gift in a congregation, the congregation or body grows.

A congregation can grow or diminish depending on each persons use of their God given gifts.
11/28/16
I can see the woman and feel her frustration. I was also annoyed with the others who weren't sympathetic. A good story makes readers feel things.
Red ink: review commas, semi-colons and dialogue structure.
Grateful for sweet old ladies!
What a darling story that any mom can relate to. I remember those days well and felt instant empathy for the mom.

Your opening was good and drew me in right away, but I might edit just a bit differently to paint more of a picture. For example:
Chloe cradled the baby's carrier, tiptoed through the vestibule,and slid into the last pew. This example also fixes the very subtle POV shift (She has no way of knowing if others are noticing her because it calls for her to be in their minds. They might notice, but not turn. It's a silly thing, but something that can make a huge difference.), tightens the sentence, and fixes the comma error. The other thing I might suggest will also tighten the story. You mentioned that the baby only likes Christian music a few times. You really only need to do it once.

The ending is super sweet and a great reminder. Unfortunately, many churches are filled with judgmental people. I think a baby's cry in church is a blessing. Sure it can be distracting, but it also sets an example for all that church is important, and having a baby is not an excuse not to attend. Your message about being charitable is great too. I also think you nailed the topic. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more of your work.
12/01/16
Congratulations, Cheryl, on winning 2nd place in the Beginners category.

I can appreciate how difficult it must be for a new mom to be able to enjoy the worship experience.