The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/25/16
I liked the first line of your story: Thomas hated Thursdays. But you didn't tell why Thomas hated Thursdays more than any other day of the week.

Your description of Mr. Buchanan's nose was spot on. I could envision him immediately. Too bad he was fussy and cruel.

I wasn't sure your ending summed up the story well.

I enjoyed your style of writing and hope to read more!
This is a well written example of the good and the bad.

We never found out what happened at bread. Maybe this was just one of the first teacher's lies.

Yes, teachers make or break many students.

Nice job showing the difference.
This is a great tale. The anxiety of the MC drew me in right away. The conflict held my interest and was one I could relate to.

You have several run-on sentences that could be fixed with punctuation. For example your last line in opener needs a semicolon between the two independent clauses (after class) and a comma after but because it's combining independent clauses. The other thing I noticed is the POV shift (sometimes called head hopping). You started in Thomas' head, but you ended in Miss Pretty's. I'd have loved to see the entire story from the boy's POV. For example, his eyes could have bulged when the girl didn't stutter, and he could have asked the teacher about the Bible.

You did a great job of painting pictures for the reader. I felt like I was right there. I enjoyed the characters and the dialog as well. I think you nailed the topic and delivered a great message.
In my comma remark, the comma would go before but. Sorry about that. Brain freeze is my excuse! ;)
I also didn't mention how I did like the ending even though it had a POV shift. I think that Scripture is used on romantic love too often. I thought it quite creative to show the real meaning. I have a daughter who is a teacher, and teaching with love makes such a difference.
12/01/16
Congratulations, Jacky, on your 1st place win in the Beginners category and moving up to the Intermediate category.

Your characters had personality and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Congratulations, Jacky, on your first place award. You show strength in character description/development, and illustrated your message well, without beating the reader over the head with it.
01/09/17
Thank you for your 'fussy' tale.

I enjoyed it but was a bit confused after Thomas was told to stay after and the dialogue immediately shifted to Mr. B asking Shirley to recite.

Perhaps a slight clarification would be helpful when shifting POV's.
01/09/17
Ohhh and congratulations on your level win!