The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 516 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
11/28/13
Tragic and dramatic material here, in which your own emotions and possible connection with the victim are so evident.
It's difficult to describe a personal drama objectively, and hard to suggest changes without appearing to minimise the pain.
However if you make your paragraphs shorter, you will give readers more time to travel into the story with you.
11/30/13
The somber reality of this entry makes my heart sad. The family left behind, the inexcusable actions that are incomprehensible, and the circumstances in which no one saw coming, will be pondered over and over again by many.

Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking story. I'm sorry for the significant loss, and so sorry for the family and friends.

God bless~
Oh what a tragic story. I hear about things like this on the news and just don't understand. I'm sure it makes little sense to anyone. You did an outstanding job of writing on topic while delivering an important warning for all.

The only red ink I have is some lines were incomplete sentences. A proofreader might help you catch them. They could be fixed easily. For example: She dreamed of having a husband who loved her. Her dream of finally being loved by a man who was her best friend seemed to be coming true. But soon that dream turned into a nightmare.
Let me say I understand that it may have been a stylistic choice to emphasize your point. It's just my opinion that making the sentences complete pulls me in and helps me relate to your MC, but others could disagree.

You did a wonderful job of writing a memorial tribute. This will be treasured by all who loved your MC. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write, but you did an exemplary job. God bless you. I just prayed for all who have been affected by such violence.

11/30/13
Thank you for all your comments. I was aware that they were incomplete sentences but I did it on purpose. Guess it didn't have the affect I had planned. For the other remark about the paragraphs. I DID write this in paragraphs in fact you can see in some places where the sentence before the was only half way across. It was typed with the paragraphs and even the preview it showed them so I have NO idea why they didn't come out when it was posted. I do apologize for that though. I didn't realize it had posted that way until you brought it to my attention. I agree it is annoying to read it without the paragraphs. This has been difficult but God will see us through. Thanks again for your ALL your remarks. God bless you all.
I wasn't sure if you had a gold or platinum membership and would receive the PM so wanted to leave it here to make sure you see it. First let me stress how much I liked your story. You have a real knack. The incomplete sentences probably stand out to me more because I've spent the last week editing three major MS where it did matter. I wondered if some of them were on purpose for the effect, maybe if you had added an em dash, it would have been clearer--although in reality it doesn't take away from the outstanding way you told this story. My heart still hurts when I read it again.

As for the missing paragraphs, that happens to many people at first. (my first challenge looks the same way). For some reason sometimes when you copy and paste it loses the formatting. I always hit preview before submit so I can see how the piece will look to the reader. Then you can go back and manually put the extra spacing in. It's a pain to do, but I've discovered by hitting preview I find lots of things I want to tweak at the last minute.

I hope I didn't discourage you with my comment it truly came from a place of love--a genuine desire to help. You have an amazing gift and I look forward to reading more of your work. God bless.
Sorry again, my brain must still wish I were asleep for now I see you are a 500 member and could have received a PM. I hope I didn't embarrass you. I also see you said you hit preview. That's really weird that it showed up for you. I know it will show up in the paste and copy box, but not always show up in the preview or actual piece. One trick I've found helpful is to paste it in my email (because I have Gmail it also saves the piece on something other than my computer which is helpful sometimes because I can access it anywhere) then I copy it from my email again, then paste it in the box and it will keep the formatting. I have no idea why, but thought I'd pass it on. Hugs
12/02/13
Shan hope I am spelling that correctly. You are TOO sweet!!! I was NOT offense AT ALL. I was just explaining! I LOVE and APPRECIATE you comments bc I want to be a BETTER writer. Your comments have encouraged me beyond measure. In fact the first one you wrote touched me SOOO much I posted on Facebook that I had my first professional review! I was SOOOOOOO excited! Then I gave them the link to read my story and your comment. I apogize if it sounded like I was offended. I probably was short with my answers was trying to finih NANOWRIMO in the midst of being told my mom was dying so I had relatives from out of town. Now my dad is in the hospital with raised heart enzymes so IFt answers r short it is NOT because I was offended. There is just alot going on. I do SOOOOO appreciate ur sensitive nature and your words just made my heart soar! I was crying my eyes out and u made me smile. U can't begin to know how ur sweet words touched my heart today. I welcome the negative as well as the positive especially in love. But it did NOT offend me at all. I was just thinking I should have gone ahead and made full sentences because I had thought about it alot. I want my writing to be easy on my readers. That was all I was thinking.
12/02/13
PS I was crying because my dad is sick NOT bc of the comments. I apologize for the typos. Having to type this on my phone which is not easy to type on to begin with then it changes my spelling! U r a sweet heart!
12/05/13
Congrats Cheryl! I thought this was a fabulous piece of writing. It pulled on my heartstrings and didn't let go.

I will keep your dad in prayer that his enzymes return to normal.



God bless~