Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Exotic (08/08/13)
-
TITLE: Far Side of the Hill | Previous Challenge Entry
By Mike Newman
08/15/13 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
Grace is strong, striking, and safe. She does not need him, adding to the allure. Her beauty is quiet, unknown to her, detached. Her embrace is ever there, comforting.
Given the road or the girl, he takes the road.
Fifteen months chasing and he has yet to catch fulfillment. Who knew it could be so elusive, slippery. A moss-slimy rock that after cuffing his jeans and wading in, does not yield itself a foothold. Every stop strange and new, whispering adventure into his eager ear, but it is the same empty promise his runaway dad was always so quick to offer up. This time it will be different, this time it will last.
Empty and lonely, with only the three folded twenties in the front pocket of his unwashed jeans to accompany him, he boards the bus back to Grace.
The road is uneven and in transition, in that odd preparatory state that road crews tend to leave it in for months at a time before they finally spend the half-day it takes to pave. As the bus dips through the rhythmic rough spots the passengers onboard bob their heads in unison. Thirty-one silent affirmations to an unvoiced question. With all of this free assent to be had, he wants to slip in some questions of his own.
I had every right to go looking for something more ... didn't I?
Nod.
I only did what every man needs to do. Sow some oats, dip my finger into a few different pots, take life on my own terms. Is that not the rite of passage?
Nod.
The new has betrayed me, the exotic is only the mundane lived out on the far side of the hill. The grass is no greener, only distant and illusory. Don't all fall prey to that shadow?
Nod.
Will Grace understand, will she be there?
The answer I am after is not forthcoming. The bus has moved back onto even ground.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This just may not be a style of writing that I can follow the thoughts on. Sorry.
He thinks there is something exotic and exciting out there somewhere.
This is well written with descriptive phrases and a strong message. Thanks for sharing.
You may want to add more details to your character to help the reader relate a bit more. Even as something simple as a name may help.
The judges obviously got it though, so congratulations on that. We all have to choose between two roads and the depth of your piece speaks volumes about you and your style. This is one of those stories that gets stronger with each reading.
It also has different messages for different people and that takes a lot of talent. I hope you keep writing, and the next entry, you may want to throw a brick to get more feedback. This is a thread in the message boards where once the judging is complete, Deb gives an all clear and then people leave links to their stories and asked for more feedback.
Also, on the message board, one of the Master writers has a thread called Jan's Writing Basics. It is full of useful tidbits for all levels of writers. You're off to a great start! I hope to keep reading more of your work! Again, congratulations on the first place win in level one!
Great pictures and inner profiling.
Although I think the "exotic" aspect could be stronger, there's great writing here.
Your prose whisked me away to "a lonely shack on a railroad track he spent his younger days, and I guess the sound of the outward bound made him a slave to his wandering ways."
This is so well written and made me want to hug both your MC and his faithful Grace.
God bless~
Need I say more? I like your entry very much.
I enjoyed how it made me ponder and re read to catch your message.
Congrats on your win.