The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Good opening sentence with the first paragraph explaining it.

Through the whole story I was wondering why you were there. I just knew you wanted to go home. It may have added a little to the story.
The title drew me in and the story did not disappoint. Definitely on topic and a delight to read. Well done.
Love Proverbs and the one you chose is one of my favs. Good story...nicely done.

God bless~
I really enjoyed this piece. Your MC is realistic and likable. You had me chuckling throughout.

The only red ink I would offer is the beginning was a tad confusing. I wasn't sure if you were blogging or maybe skyping someone. Also it's a good idea to start out with an attention grabber. I might have started of with screaming in the store and then ended with the laptop. I know you used it as an introduction, but I think it's so easy these days to just click on something else to read it's vital to start with a real grabber.

You did a wonderful job of writing on topic. I also liked the suspense when the MC wasn't quite sure what she was looking at. I think the irony of the rat being kiwi fruit was a touch of genius and can show how we can let our fears take over. You did a great job with this well-written piece.
Congrats! God bless~
I know many older Asians and
when you wrote about 'the imperceptible twitching of his upper lip' it was a perfect representation of that culture and their respectful manor, so convincing also was when the shopkeeper dissolved in laughter- only after your MC led the way.
Great realistic and humorous story.
Congrats on your level placing.