Fiction

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In the beginning
God created
the heavens
and the earth.
[Genesis 1:1]
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It's the 25th Anniversary of
the Interplanetary God Convention.
Naturally, it's taking place on
Dwarf Planet Pluto; it's just
small enough for everybody,
who's staying either at the Pluto
Hilton, or downtown Holiday Inn. (Our
Lord, due to Earth's high gasoline
prices, has to stay at the no-frills
Howard Johnson Motel, which is rather
far from the Pluto Convention Center:
He has to walk the chilly 15 blocks from
the motel, since the cab fares get
really hiked up, during these
big-wheel conventions. Everybody else
is getting a free all-you-can-eat breakfast
at their big downtown hotel suites (complete
with free dry cleaning service, and afternoon tea).
OUR Lord, Who comes from one of the poorer planets,
has only had a free, though cold, cup of
burnt coffee, and a stale, raspberry and
raisin danish, from the Howard Johnson lobby.
(Howard Johnson staff had read part of Isaiah
[16:7], which talked about 'raisin cakes', and
thought that our Lord would appreciate them.)
To be sure, the Lord really can't stand raisins,
BUT, to be gracious, He pretends to enjoy the
whole stale, glaze-covered, sticky raspberry mess.
It's the first day of the Convention,
and our Lord has just (rather
reluctantly) put on His 'God of Earth'
button. Our button is all blue and green,
and has a huge polar bear on it: one of
the Convention lectures this year is called
'The Plight of Earth's Polar Bears'. (It's
being hosted by the planet Vega, one of the
richer planets; THEIR god is staying at the
posh, downtown Pluto Plaza Marriott, which
has all the amenities, including a cable strong
enough to pick up the latest Spur's games in
San Antonio, Texas.) Naturally, as our Lord
walks into the Convention Center to pick up
his Convention Bag (all black with stars, and
an artist's rendition of Dwarf Pluto, in the
center of it), and lecture materials, Vega's
god sees Him, and in a boasterous, cheery
'HELLO there!', while playing with his newest
Interplanetary Blackberry Phone. Our Lord,
Who detests those things, and anyway, doesn't
need them..... is naturally gracious.
_______________________________________________________
"So, GOD?
[shake hands.]
"How's it GOING?"

[GENTLE FROWN.]
"Hm.
[SHRUG.]
Eh....
[SIGH.]
It could be better."

"Yeah! So, I HEAR!
So, eh.......how long have
You HAD that loco planet, ANYHOW?"

[FROWN.]
[SIGH.]
"TOO long.
Don't ASK!"

[nod.]
[smile.]
"My PLANET'S doin GREAT!"

[DIM NOD.]
[DEEP SIGH,
COUPLED WITH SOME
ACID REFLUX.]
"Hm."

"Yeah, there's been peace,
and no POLLUTION, now:
for over 600 YEARS! And,
gasoline's down to 50 cents
a GALLON!"

"Hmph."
[TAKE AN EGGROLL
OFF OF CONVENTION PLATTER.
TAKE A BITE, AND THEN
SET IT DOWN, WITH
GREAT INDIGESTION.]

[look of surprise!]
"Wow! What's THIS, God?
Isn't that a PORK
eggroll?"

[GENTLE SMILE.]
"Oh, YES.
I'm not Kosher, anymore."

"Huh? When did THIS happen?"

[THOUGHTFUL PAUSE.]
"Hm....at least a couple
thousand years, ago.
Has it been that
long, since one of
these CONVENTIONS?"

[nod.]
"i guess so, God.
"So, eh...I can't
BELIEVE You haven't
moved on, yet!
Why don't Ya just
get rid of that
ole' piece of
interplanetary
junk heap, ANYWAY?"

[AGREEABLE AND THOUGHTFUL NOD.]
[PHILOSOPHICAL SHRUG.]
[SIP OF ROOTBEER.]
"Well......I hate to start
somethin', and then
just LEAVE it,
you know?"

[nod in sympathy.]
"God; so, tell us: HOW
old is that motley
earth 'a Yours, NOW?"

[CHOMP ON A CELERY STICK
COVERED IN RANCH DIP.]
"Eh.....by My calculations....
well into the THOUSANDS."

[smile in surprise.]
"And, You STILL haven't
gotten that Adam and
EVE thing, worked OUT?"

[SIGH.]
[ANOTHER SIP OF ROOTBEER.]
"Sort of.
We're gettin' there.
But, it's an uphill battle,
that's for sure.
Sometimes, I feel like
scrappin' the WHOLE thing."

"YEAH! Why don't Ya, God?
Hey, I hear there's a great
planet, just Your SIZE!
On the other side of the
MILKY WAY!"

[LIGHT UP with INTEREST.]
"REALLY?
[SQUINT with SERIOUS THOUGHT.]
"Is it green and BLUE?"

"Why, YEAH! And, it's got
the same ATMOSPHERE,
as that pitiful PLANET
of Yours! It'd be
a piece 'a CAKE!"

"Hm.
[LOOK OFF INTO SPACE.]
It IS a tempting THOUGHT,
fellas."

"Yeah, but God.....
You have to ADMIT!
There's nothin' on that
planet of Yours, but
mayhem and MEDLEM!"

[NOD.]
[SIGH.]
"That's true.
What can I say:
it's a MESS?"

"SO? Just give it UP,
already, God! ENOUGH,
is what i SAY! You gave it
your best SHOT!
[shrug]
Just let it GO! Get
a NEW planet - and,
start OVER! It's
about TIME!"

"Well.....ya know, guys:
I would.
[PAUSE.]
Except, for one
thing."

"Yeah? What's THAT,
God?"

[LOVING SMILE.]
"I'm kind'a ATTACHED
to those wretched
ne're-do-well's
of Mine."

"YEAH?
Why is THAT, God?"

[CHUCKLE.]
"For one thing, guys...
[SMILE.]
they got the weirdest
sense 'a HUMOR."
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And should I not pity
Nineveh,
that great city,
in which there are
more than
a hundred and twenty thousand
persons
who do not know
their right hand
from their left,
and also much cattle?
[Jonah 4:11]

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