Humor

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Every time I need a new portrait taken, I shutter, which is why I put it off as long as I can. Everything was going fine along this line, and then my new publisher requested a new picture for an upcoming book. I insisted on an old picture; they insisted on a new picture.

I tried pointing out to them that I had an old portrait of a newer face, which I thought would be better than a new picture of an older face. This is exactly what I do not like about new portraits. The newer the portrait the older the face. You would think with all the advances in technology somebody could come up with a camera that truly captures the essence of a person and not just the appearance. Whoever said, "appearances are deceiving" must have been looking at one of my portraits.

I want a camera that shows the inner beauty of the person and not the outer shell that is deteriorating with time. A lot is said about Mother Nature but it is Father Time that has the last laugh with all of us.

The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage was no help along this line. Usually she is most helpful but in this area she was not the "help meet" I desired.

"When," she persisted, "are you going to get your picture taken?"

I tried ignoring her and pretended I was busy reading a book. Have you ever tried ignoring your wife when she is insistent upon your attention? It is like pretending that the mosquito is not buzzing around your ear. If you ignore it too long, it will eventually bite your ear.

Then I heard those words that brought me back to the state of reality, where she is the governor. "You are not ignoring me are you?"

"What," I stammered trying to look a little surprise. "Oh no, this article I am reading is quite fascinating. I just didn't hear what you were saying."

"What is the article you're reading?"

You know you are backed into a corner when both walls come crashing in on you. Then I had to confess that I was in fact ignoring her. It is a terrible confession to make for it carries with it severe consequences.

One of the hardest things a husband has to do is admit his wife is right. However, harder than that is admitting this to her personally because he knows she will never forget it. It is like a feather in a wife's war bonnet. My wife has enough feathers for 17 war bonnets.

"I'm going to make an appointment for you," she said matter-of-factly," and you will go." She put what I felt was undue emphasis on the phrase "you will go." I did not, however, bring this to her attention. "What's said in the darkroom should stay in the darkroom," is what I always say... but never outside the darkroom.

The fateful day came for my appointment and my negative feelings toward the photographer were developing.

One of the things I do not like about a photographer is one who smiles and laughs a lot. I never know if he is just being jovial or if what he's looking at is making him laugh. I think taking a person's portrait is a very serious matter and should not be polluted with a lot of laughter.

"Now," said the photographer after I had been seated, "let's see if we can find your good side."

It's not so much that he said this but he followed it up with a very hearty laugh. Too hearty if you ask me.

I assumed this photographer was a professional but I confess it took him a little longer then it should have to find my good side. Plus, he laughed too much to please me. I really did not get the joke.

He finally found what he thought was my "good side," and began fiddling with the camera while his assistant was adjusting the lighting. I settled down thinking that the worst of this ordeal was behind me.

Finally, he seemed to have the camera adjusted to suit him. He looked at me and then he began to frown. Although his smiling and laughter irritated me, this irritated me far more. The more he looked at me the more he frowned. The more he frowned the more aggravated I became.

"Come on," he said rather sternly, "you can smile better than that. Let me see the biggest smile you have."

I gritted my teeth and slapped on the biggest smile I could find within me.

"Great, hold that smile. Now tilt your head to the right and hold it."

With that came a series of light flashes and the photographer said, "Great, I got your picture."

Now that he had my picture, he was after my wallet. Not only must I endure the strain of posing, I now have to pay a King's Ransom and believe me, I am not Prince Charming.

I took comfort in a Bible verse. "But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7 KJV).

If people saw me like God sees me, they would love me as God loves me.

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