Women

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In the last article I discussed the importance of healthy self-love. Now I want to explore one of the hindrances to self-love: Unhealthy dating relationships. Let me begin by filling you in on my romantic track record. It’s ugly…

It first began my Freshman year of college when I made the naïve mistake of dating a senior. He was cute, he was Christian, and that’s all I needed to know. Unfortunately he hadn’t been a Christian very long, and he was still wrestling with some demons from his past. This played out in our relationship physically. Up to that point in my life I had barely even kissed a guy, but because he was older I figured he knew where to draw the line. I subsequently spent several years trying to let go of the guilt I acquired in that short span of months.

Following that relationship, I have had many, many more, all of which have been unhealthy in a wide variety of ways. I have been betrayed and used and hurt by guys that I trusted. And at the end of each of these failed relationships, I always find myself asking, “What’s wrong with me?” All around me I see tons of happy couples, girls whose boyfriends absolutely adore them—why am I so unlovable? Do I have some personality malfunction that’s wired to repel any guy who starts dating me? Why can’t I find a guy who actually treats me like a precious daughter of God?

In spite of the fact that my boyfriends were generally visible, spiritual leaders, they did not treat me with the kind of respect and care that would have honored God. In fact, they often shamed me or made me feel like a fool. The ironic thing is that I wouldn’t have thought I was that kind of girl—you know, the needy desperate type who lets guys walk all over her. I am independent, passionate, and a leader in ministry. Why the huge disconnect between who I am and how I let these guys treat me?

I first began to realize the answer to this question as I reflected on my approach to these relationships. In the past when I felt wronged by my boyfriend, I viewed it as an opportunity to become more like Christ. By loving my boyfriend in spite of the way he treated me, I thought I was laying myself down the way Christ did for us when we mistreated him. So every time a boyfriend did something to hurt my feelings, belittle me, or make me feel cheap, I simply viewed it as my “cross to bear,” and focused more on the godliness of my reaction than the wrongness of his.

Now to some of you reading this, you’re probably thinking, “Is she insane? Why would she ever want to be in a relationship like that?” For others of you, however, my words resound greatly within your hearts because you too have sought to love your boyfriends in this unconditional manner. I happen to believe that both of you are responding correctly. On the one hand, Scripture is very clear about how we are to respond to wrong-doing or suffering: “Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.” (Matt. 5:39-41) As Christians, we do NOT have a right to be treated in any particular way; we sold that right in the Garden. So while this goes against everything our culture has taught us to believe, it is not actually Scriptural to leave a relationship because you have a “right” to be treated better. We are to bear all our hardships in the same way Christ bore his.

Now don’t get me wrong—just because we don’t have inherent “rights” doesn’t mean we should seek out bad relationships, nor should we stay in them. But in order to be women of truth we must have Scripture to support all that we do, and this language of rights simply does not appear in Scripture. However, God has not thrown us to the relationship wolves. There is still Scripture that provides a healthy alternative to unhealthy relationships, it’s just not what we might have expected.

The more I reflected on my past relationships and the ways in which they affected me, I realized that the problem was not how these guys were treating me, but what it caused me to believe about myself. I began to believe that I was not special, valuable, beautiful, or lovable. These are, of course, all lies, but by remaining in these relationships I was submitting to those lies. And more importantly, when these guys mistreated me, their actions conflicted with the truth of what Scripture teaches about my identity. Scripture tells me I am a holy, precious, and dearly loved child of the most high King, but these boys’ actions were not consistent with such a reality. They treated me not like a princess, but a filthy rag, and that’s what I began to believe I was.

Realizing the enormous inconsistency between their treatment of me and my actual identity allowed me to see these boyfriends for what they really were—false teachers. I use this label for the following reason: to believe in something that is contrary to Scripture is, in essence, to believe false teaching. Therefore, if someone is teaching you something about yourself which conflicts with Scripture, then that person is a false teacher. So, while Scripture does not call us to resist suffering or mistreatment, it does tell us to flee from false teaching. Romans 16:17 states that you must run from those who “put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.”

If you are surrounding yourself with people who tempt you to believe anything different from what Scripture teaches to be true, then you need to run in the opposite direction. This not only applies to boyfriends, but TV shows, magazines, books, etc. The world is filled with false teaching. It is time we call these things what they really are: Lies masquerading as truth.

So how do we avoid these false teachings? Take a look at your dating relationships, past and present, and honestly ask yourself if these men treated you in a way that was consistent with your identity in Christ. Then examine the other areas of your life—what kinds of shows do you watch on TV? Do you find yourself gazing a little too long at the perfect models on magazine covers? Do you find yourself yearning for the perfect life promised in commercials? All these factors have a profound influence on our lives and tempt us to believe a reality that is in opposition with Christ. But the moment we recognize them as lies, we diffuse their power.

You will never find a man who completes you the way Christ does, so it is always important to have appropriate expectations of the world you live in, however you simply cannot allow influences into your life that will deceive your heart and lead you to believe false teachings. God created you for so much more than that! Instead, refuse to stand on lies any longer. Many women are in bondage to false teachings about themselves—it is truth alone that will set them free.

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