Women

---

If eating disorders are a disease, then we’re in the middle of an epidemic. Surprisingly, it wasn’t until I worked with my church’s college ministry that I realized the extent of this problem. Apparently numerous girls who attend my church struggle with eating disorders, some to the point of hospitalization. I used to think Christians would be immune to such a disorder. I was wrong.

However that’s not the only problem plaguing our ministry. In working with these girls I noticed another disconcerting trend—whenever I attempted to encourage or affirm the girls in some specific way, they almost always blew off the compliment. This wasn’t false humility, they simply didn’t believe me. They couldn’t imagine that my positive feedback was actually true. Why? Because the men in their lives, primarily their fathers, had never taken the time to affirm them. In fact, these men often conveyed just the opposite: Nothing was ever good enough. Not good enough grades, not a good enough college, not a good enough major, career prospect, athletic performance, body fat, ad nauseam. These young ladies had been conditioned to see themselves as failures.

Yet the emotional unhealthiness doesn’t end there. Every week I go to the college Sunday school class and look around at the girls who attend. Clearly there is a competition for attention. Girls spend excessive amounts of time picking out their outfits, doing their hair and make-up, and then strutting their stuff at Church in an oftentimes eye-catching outfit. I’ve even done it myself. However, as vain an endeavor as this appears to be, it is usually not a matter of over-confidence; it is a clear indication of low self-esteem.

Eating disorders, the need for acceptance from men, wearing the right clothes, showing the right amount of skin—all these things are symptomatic of a struggle that engulfs the hearts of most women today: Poor self-esteem. Women simply don’t know what it means to love themselves in a way that is healthy and God-honoring. In the following series of articles, I will examine the specific way in which this problem has played out in my own life: relationships with men. But before I do so, I want to spend some time explaining the foundation on which all my thoughts are based, because it’s an idea that actually contradicts the way we normally interpret Scripture. It’s the idea that loving yourself is a good thing.

One day I decided that I’d been loving myself poorly and needed some Scriptural encouragement, so I googled the phrase “Bible Verses About Loving Yourself.” Immediately I was bombarded with websites about the evils of self-love. According to most of these interpretations, we should avoid self-love at all costs. Upon reading all these warnings, I was at first tempted to wonder if my inability to love myself was a virtue. Maybe feeling bad about myself was actually humility. Maybe God even wanted me to feel bad about myself…

Fortunately I realized that such a view is incompatible with Scripture. Why? Because the second greatest commandment that Jesus gives us is to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” There are two inherent assumptions within this command: First, there is an assumption that we love ourselves. Second, this love is a good thing, and must therefore be shared with others. What does that mean for us? That it would be a double standard to withhold from ourselves the very thing we are to share with the entire world. We are meant to love the world, and we are a part of that world, so we must also love ourselves.

Yet there is another element of this commandment that should create in us a great urgency to love ourselves. The way in which we love ourselves is to be the standard by which we love others. To me, this is a scary thought. I do a horrible job of loving myself, and if that’s the standard by which I love others, then I feel sorry for them! Clearly, loving yourself is a good and healthy thing to learn.

So what exactly does it mean to love yourself, and why is it so difficult for us to do? One of the most common reasons we do not love ourselves is because the standard by which we deem ourselves lovable is an impossible one. We always find something about ourselves that we don’t like, whether it’s our nose, hair, body, social skills, popularity with guys, or success within our career. There will always be something we wish was different because we’re judging ourselves by the world’s standards. In a world where even Cindy Crawford has to be air-brushed, the bar is clearly not set in reality. The standard that we set for ourselves is, in fact, totally unreachable, so as long as we continue to fall short of it, we will feel like failures. It’s tough to love yourself when you’re a complete and utter disappointment.

But imagine how good you would feel to know that your life is a complete success? To know that you not only meet the criteria which makes you lovable, but you exceed it? The reality is, you DO exceed the criteria. Why? Because there is none. God’s love is based upon nothing you have done. In the same way that a mother loves her helpless baby the moment it enters this world, God finds you lovable simply because you’re His daughter. God’s love for you is based upon His character, not yours, so you are freed from the task of making yourself lovable—you already are. For this reason, healthy self-love is merely an imitation of God’s unconditional love for us. Once we realize that we meet the standard of worthiness, we are free to love ourselves the way God does.

Now this leads us to another question: What is the difference between healthy self-love and vanity? The answer to this question conveniently lies in Jesus’ first commandment: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength.” The love of self should never outrank the love of God. Women often flirt with this line, spending countless hours in front of the mirror as they seek positive attention for themselves. Yet we really should call this daily prep time by its real name: idolatry. We are, in essence, attempting to make ourselves worthy of worship. We want the attention to be on us and nobody else. And if you find yourself walking into church wearing a short skirt, high heels, and a low-cut blouse, it’s very likely that the attention will be on you instead of others. Unfortunately, that “others” includes God. When we put in that extra time to make ourselves stand out, we run the risk of distracting people from the real reason they came that morning—to worship God, not you.

Now this tendency in women is not a harmless matter. Idolatry is not a harmless matter. The love you have for yourself should never interfere with the love you have for God. So instead of making yourself worthy of worship, you should be making yourself worthy to worship. The love you have for yourself should only strengthen your love for God, not hinder it.

With that in mind, the purpose of fostering healthy self-love is, ironically, to focus less on yourself. You see, both vanity and low self-esteem have the same result: an obsession with the self. You are constantly looking in the mirror, comparing yourself to others, wondering if you measure up, and pitying yourself when you don’t. You. You. You. However a healthy self-love actually frees us from this obsession. We become confident in the unshakeable reality of God’s love for us, so we no longer have to think about it. And once we are liberated from a preoccupation with the self, we are able to set our sights on the only One worthy of such attention: God. Ultimately, healthy self-love will actually lead to self-forgetfulness.

The purpose of healthy self-love is therefore counter-intuitive. By loving ourselves rightly, we are actually better able to keep God at the center, rather than ourselves. When we are no longer bound to the idolatry of the self, we restore God to His proper place of worship. Thus the goal of overcoming any stronghold in your life, whether it is an eating disorder or unhealthy relationships with men, is not to boost your self-esteem, but to worship God rightly. To do so is to fulfill your created purpose on this earth, so it is the one and only solution for satisfying the deepest longings of your soul. That is certainly a goal worth fighting for.

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE