Family

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I have a child who at twenty years old is plucking every single one of my very last nerves, and causing me so much heartbreak that I'm not entirely sure I will survive it.

This child of mine is currently living in my home after failing at living on his own. I feel that he should respect my rules and do things the way I ask him to while he is living here. He is free to come and go as he pleases but he must work a steady job and we require a measly amount of 'rent'. He gets steady meals, all the showers he can take. He gets Directv, internet service, telephone service, electric service, and even laundry service. His room is a total pig sty but I don't push it--I just go in and clean while he is at work.

He can't pay his bills, so we have stepped in, more than once, and paid them for him. He is angry that he got a rotten deal at a car dealership. He is angry that his insurance is so high (first time insurance and first car). Now, we told him to just wait until he had saved a few dollars from his job before getting a car, and we told him to then buy a private owned vehicle to get him back and forth. He would only have to pay liability then--not the full coverage he has to pay now. But he couldn't and wouldn't wait. He went to a dealership, who saw him with the great big "Sucker" sign plastered on his forehead, and man, did they ever stick it to him.

There oughta be a law against this, but there isn't.

He says we are controlling him--he is a grown man. I say, if you were a grown man, you wouldn't be living at home with your parents. Basically, I've told him--'My way or the highway!'. And that hurts. This is my child. But he keeps my household in an uproar over the crazy way he does things. He refuses to listen. He thinks he should be out there 'having fun' instead of where he is. Out there--first of all, where's he planning on living? Second, while he's having all this 'fun' he thinks he's missing, what is he planning on living on? He can't continue to live off of us--we're barely holding it together in the first place! The fact that we still have our home is one of God's miracles because we can't even figure out how we're doing it! Mere one dollar bills are all that's standing between us and disaster. If anything too out of the ordinary occurs that requires some sort of financial action, well, up the creek we go!(Or is it down?) Either way, you get the picture. "I want to see my friends!" he gripes. As I said, he comes and goes whenever he pleases--he has full run of the house. Who's stopping him? And if he isn't going to see his friends, then where is he going? Tonight, he announced, "I'm going to Georgia tomorrow for the day" like it was the greatest thing in the world. We live in Virginia. He's owes his grandmother money, his future brother-in-law money, us money, and who knows who else. Plus, the only reason he is still driving his 'rotten deal' of a car is because we paid his insurance last week to keep it on the road. My husband blew a gasket, needless to say. "They're paying me to go pick up (his friend) and bring him back up here for court. I'll be making money", he said. Um--no. His friends have become more numerous since he acquired his car--they call him all the time for rides. Why would he want to take the risk of something happening between here and Georgia just so he can kill some time? It just seems--like a stupid idea to me. I don't even know why his friend has to be in court, and I'm not sure I want to!

So tonight, I repeated myself. I told him he could either abide by the rules I make, or he is more than free to go on 'out there' and make his own. He wanted to know if there'd be hard feelings. Of course, I said no. There won't be. But there will be a lot of worry, a lot of hurt. We are trying to show him a better way, help him straighten out the huge mess he's made, but he just flat out won't hear it.

Was I wrong? I cannot live my life when the people around me are constantly creating unneccessary hardships. He says he's grown. Does he sound grown to any of you? I think his dad is too hard--his dad thinks I am too soft--and the child in question doesn't really seem to care either way. In fact, he just doesn't seem to care or appreciate, anything in his life. Not the people. Not the offer of an easy time, for a time. If someone offered it to me, I'd snap it up so fast your head would spin.

Why do some children just seem to 'get' it, and others don't, mainly because they just refuse to--they think things will be somehow different for them. My son says, "I'm not gonna be like you--I'm gonna do better than you. I'm not living with no money, struggling along. You can't do anything without a lot of money!". You know, comments like that really hurt. And make me mad. Part of the reason we're struggling along is because we've put ourselves out there in our efforts to help him, and he doesn't appreciate it, not even a tiny bit. It's like he expects it. "I'm your child," he says. "You have to do it. We're family." Okay, he's partially right. We are family. Even if we're unable to speak more than two civil words to each other at this point, we love each other. Very dysfunctionally I admit, but we do. But, he's twenty! I don't really have to do it anymore, do I? Especially when all we get back is ungratitude and sullenness. Complaints. Whining and moaning. Please, I need a break. I've learned that just telling someone to grow up doesn't mean it's going to happen.

I'm tired of fighting with him, and of fighting with my husband over him, and still, he just refuses to see or hear anything that isn't about him.

I love this child of mine. But I don't understand him, and I'm not sure I'm really helping him at all. If any kind soul out there has any advice, I'm listening. I have reached the end of that proverbial rope, and I can only think that actually kicking him out into his world is the only thing that might wake him up to reality. Except, I already did that, and he failed miserably.

Which is why he's back home now.

God, I need You in this please. Show me what to do.

Postscript: The child in question said "see ya'll later!" and moved out today. Where he went to, I don't know. What he'll do, I don't know. What I do know is that God will have to be the only one watching over him, and his life, right now. Maybe, in the end, it will be for the best. I'm fairly certain he won't come back here again except to visit. Sometimes it's hard just to take a breath! Sometimes, things are just---unbearably hard to figure out. Sometimes, life just has to take its course.

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