Family

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Over the last few days, I’ve been reading a book entitled ‘Real Boys.’ It’s intended readers are those who deal with boys, i.e. parents, teachers, coaches, counselors, etc., to teach us how to open the lines of communication with our boys.

In this book, the author explains “the boy code.” The boy code is the subconscious, learned behavior of “toughing it out” and/or keeping it to yourself. The boy code is the learned behavior our boys are known for, that of not putting themselves in a position of being vulnerable. Girls are expected to discuss with one another anything that doesn’t seem right in their lives. But society would (and does) place a multitude of undesirable names on boys or men who do the same thing.

One particular story in this book is that of the championship boxer, Oscar De La Hoya. At the tender age of five, Oscar was watching as the other children were blindfolded and given a stick to beat on a piñata. The violent act horrified him and he ran away screaming in hysterics. His father was afraid that his “sissy” actions would bring shame to his family and, therefore, decided that Oscar would take boxing lessons. He got his first punch to the nose at age five and learned to disguise fear and/or pain.

In a clinical study, the author shows that boys, from birth, are actually much more expressive than are girls. Yet, they are taught from infancy, those most crucial years, to suppress negative emotions. That is, they are taught to suppress emotions such as sadness or fear. But they are encouraged, to some point, to display anger.

Upon studying mothers with infants, the author takes notice that the mothers will imitate their infant boys when they smile or “have fits,” but will go so far as to ignore them when they are upset. However, mothers will “pet” infant girls when they show the same emotions. Little boys are taught not to cry when they fall, not to cry when they are sent away to summer camp, not to cry when they’re left on the first day of school. In other words, they are taught from a very young age that in order to be “a big boy,” they must be separated from their mothers and they mustn’t show that it bothers them.

Society deems a boy who has what is actually a very healthy, loving relationship with his mother as “a Mommy’s boy,” as though that’s a bad thing. And yet, we wonder why our men are not better able to communicate with their wives. We teach our boys to suppress their emotions, and then we basically beg them to close the communication gaps as men. But who taught our men, as boys, to keep their feelings to themselves?

I am reminded of something a dear brother of mine in Christ said not too long ago concerning the fact that he doesn’t understand “women’s language.” But the truth is, rather, that women do not understand men because men do not express themselves openly. Men CAN, with little effort, understand women because women are so expressive that they do not make it difficult. But women, on the other hand, have a very hard time interpreting the learned silence of the boy code.

Not only do women need to better learn to listen to their boys AND their men, but our boys and men must learn to express themselves. Whether Christian men believe in the saying “men are from Mars and women are from Venus” or not, they still seem to relate to the concept. To most men and women alike, the communication difference is like being from two different planets altogether.

And yet, men and women should be complementary to one another. It is just as difficult for a woman to shoulder the weight of communication as it is for a man to break free of what society has taught him since infancy. But if we are to capture the essence of a man and his helpmeet in our relationships, we must break society’s pattern, “the boy code,” in our sons’ lives.

It’s easy to put all of the responsibility for change off on the opposite gender. But we are all responsible to some extent. The best time to start is with mothers and their infant boys. If you haven’t stopped, mothers, to really listen to your little boy and given him the freedom to express himself, no matter what he may be feeling, please consider it today, for his sake and for ours.
© Joyce Pool

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