Humor

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HEADLINE: “Is Italian Food Healthy?”


(LITTLE ITALY, USA) “Well, we were wondering why they were dropping like flies,” Head of the United States Nutritional Institute Daniel Gardner reports after releasing findings from a five-year study that came to the conclusion that “Italian food”, typical faire as one might find on any Italian family table, has absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. “I’m surprised the entire people as a race has survived this long. As it is Italian settlements and neighborhoods across the globe are becoming near ghost towns.”

“Turns out, this was a piece of revenge from the Chinese back when Marco Polo bridged the East and the West on his famous journey,” Professor of History Jodi Hostler describes. “Of course we know that two things of importance were brought back from China; silkworms and noodles,” she describes. “The theft of the silkworm made it possible for silk to be cultivated in Europe, instead of paying the Chinese the expensive costs for importing silk along the silk route. It was quite the industrial coup of the time. The other important thing brought back from China was the noodle, which has had a profound impact on the everyday life of the Italian family. Except now we know that the recipe that was sent back West was cleverly designed to have no nutrients whatsoever contained in the pasta. The scheme was that the Italians would starve and die in revenge for stealing the lucrative silk industry away from the Chinese. And it is only now that this exquisitely subtle plot is flowering from its ancient seeds. You really have to admire the early Chinese for devising such an elegant revenge.”

As it is, Italian families across the world will eat only exclusively from recipes handed down from generation to gerneration, consisting of carefully guarded “family secrets”, recipes that ultimately spell the families’ doom.

“Just try to give food relief like this to an Italian family,” relief worker Sid Haverston lamented while surveying his stores of rejected canned food. “You are literally taking your life into your own hands, let me tell you. Bringing canned food in to a family that fanatically makes from scratch, that’s putting flame to the powder. I don’t know what can be done.”

In the meantime, Italian mothers all over the world are feeding mass quantities of nutritionless food to immediate and extended families, exhorting youngsters to “Eat! Eat more! Live to be fourteen like your cousin Guido.”

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