Humor

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HEADLINE: "Canadian Drug Lords Test E-Market"

(TORONTO, Canada) Canadian drug lords in an effort to keep from succumbing to intense competition from Asian and Columbian rivals, and to avoid filing bankruptcy in a declining market for Canadian contraband, decided to appeal to mass marketing techniques and advertise on the internet, promising cheap prices and easy availability through mail order channels. Canadian drug kingpins attempted to make theirs the drug of choice for the American consumers by lowering the price per gram, tab, bag, ounce, cc, or rock and access through “Pay Pal” -- transactions previously done traditionally across the country in back alleys, car garages, and houses of legislation.

Unfortunately, their business savvy took a turn for the worst when the first of their advertising blitz hit computer screens across the country: “buy discount canadian drugs m tb skaadfinrbyek”

“Oh, man, I am sooooo embarrassed,” Skip Wallace, operator in charge of encoding the e-message sent to potential American consumers and part time internet consultant for the Canadian drug lords. “Like, I didn’t think this tab was, like, working, you know? So I took another just to be sure, right? And they, like, both hit at the same time and I lost it for a while. Dude, I didn’t even know what day it was. But the guys in charge are cool about it. They just put me down in the Telemarketing Unit. I mean, like, most outfits would’ve “offed” me, man, but where’s the percentage in that?”

“We don’t use Old World tactics here in Canada,” Lawrence “The Loon” Christopher, spokesman for the United Canadian Drug Lord Cooperative said. “We think we can apply modern business techniques and stay competitive with the Cartels from South America and the Tongs from across the Pacific. Sure, we’re new in the game, but we believe that keeps us flexible in our approaches and not have to carry around all the baggage that comes with old traditions.

Christopher teased reporters with promises of the next advertising blitz featuring a new “Virtual Sample” online for premium subscribers to the UCDLC website, but dodged questions concerning specifics. “It’s got something for everyone, I can promise you that. And it comes with a special discount on your next transaction if you sign up a friend.”

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