Humor

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HEADLINE: Jobless Telemarketers Are Displaced Vagabonds

(NATIONWIDE, USA) "Buddy, can you spare a cell?", a phrase that can be heard across the nation as soup kitchens sprout up coast to coast for out of work telemarketers since legislation to prohibit unsolicited phone sales into private homes has sent the telemarketing business in a sharp plummet.

Once successful telemarketers seen selling pencils and wheeling apple carts down the business district are common sights now in most major cities. Some Telemarketers have resorted to lurking in the suburban areas, feeding their home-invasion fix by reverting to door-to-door sales.

Telemarketer hobo towns have sprung up in the urban sprawl, huddled masses of ex-phone jockeys fighting for headsets, clutching onto fading wireless phones, whining pitieously “Can you hear me now? Can anyone hear me now?”

"Blues Bars" for depressed telemarketers are on the rise, complete with phone sets so they can try to call other tables and solicit others to buy them drinks. “Phone Jockey Blues”, “You’ve Barred Me From Your Home,” and “Baby, Just One More Time Share” are the most requested songs for the down and out phone solicitor.

In the meantime, in an unexpected backlash, across the country the standard of living has plummeted from the drying up of services Mr. and Mrs. America never knew they needed until their homes were invaded with services and goods via telephone, and now their access has been cut off. The nation suffers from a plague of cracked windshields, siding on housing remaining drab, pristine time-share properties ignored, holiday cruise ship deals unclaimed, phone service updates abandoned, credit cards remaining at their current credit level -- the United States is grinding to a sudden stand still in forward progress.

Not surprisingly, and not unlike Prohibition days, mob syndicates have jumped at the opportunity to fill this vacuum and gain access to Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public, running illegal phone sweat-centers themselves and mixing traditional business with new market ventures. A typical organized crime phone caller can not only share with a household member the wonders of a new warehouse of products they are "Strongly Suggested" to buy, but helpful tips on how to purchase "protection insurance" at reasonable rates to avoid fire, theft, damage to property, kidnapping, harassment by passing ruffians, and the odd random pummeling.

“It’s great,” Lenny ‘The Turk’ Gambinelli grins while monitoring callers from his controller’s console. “There’s no limit to the drugs, protection, contraband and other graft we can peddle from a single phone center. There’s a whole market place of “honest citizens” we can lend goods and services to, and put directly under our thumb. We begin every call with a the message “This phone call is being recorded for quality purposes. We know where you live, pal.”

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