Healing

“Eh yes, sorry.”

“Don’t tell us you’re sorry! I don’t want to hear that word. How could you? You call yourself a Christian. I wouldn’t do something like that. I asked you outright did you have anorexia and you looked me straight in the eye and said “No.”

“I don’t really know –“

“…and I found out by finding the food that I’d cooked you in the bin. How am I gonna trust you again?”

“I couldn’t tell anyone Beth. It took me an age to admit it to myself.”

“You know my background Ella. How dare you do that to yourself?

“Will you stop your whinging and whining about your problems! Honestly, we’ve accommodated all your food fads for the last year, without demur, but now we’ve got to listen to everything you eat in a day, plus calorie content!

I’m sorry, I can’t hack it! You know, I follow a low protein diet myself. Have always done so. I could never eat a Full English Breakfast or have one of those Big Macs! It could kill me! How many of the church know about my diet?!! They don’t need to know and guess what, I don’t need to know about your mini battles between having sugar or sweetener in your coffee. In the nice Christian side of me, I’m totally delighted that you’re finally getting to the route of the problem, putting on the weight and seeing the positive outcome of that. But there’s another side of me. A side that is longing to be in your shoes – to be able to control my own destiny and not sit here, waiting for a miracle, that’s lets face it, might never happen. I know I could live my whole life in hope, knowing that God can heal me, asking Him daily and never get the miracle I long for. Hey, I could cover the whole house with sticky labels of things “I want to do, but can’t yet” but what good would it do, because with me, it’s not a case of determination. If only it was, I’d have got rid of this condition long ago. Why me? If God is so damn powerful, why can’t He just cure me?” Beth at this point broke down and Faye was able to go to her and put her arms around her.

 

Ella wanted to go over too, to say that she was sorry, but she knew it wasn’t really anything she’d done, it was the condition that was hurting Beth. She was battling against tears herself, but she knew this was no time to allow them to be seen. This was the first time they had ever seen the hurt that Beth must live with daily, she’d joke and talk about her disease giving facts only, but Ella realised that she’d never heard the girl speak about this huge part of her life with any kind of emotion. She wanted to reassure Beth that she would get her miracle in Heaven when God had promised everyone a new body, but she had a feeling it wouldn’t do any good. Heaven seemed a long way away, when you were only twenty-four. Beth, of course, didn’t have a normal life expectancy, but would that make it easier to take? She doubted it. It wasn’t fair and it didn’t justify the problem, just because she was gonna be healed in Heaven. She still had to cope with more on earth, to watch other people fulfil the dreams that she had and why should she? Beth was a caring person and a talented individual. Ella had read countless books about people in Beth’ situation, she had read about Joni Erickson Tara who had battled with this problem after a diving accident had left her paralysed, but never had one touched her so personally. All her long held arguments regarding suffering and God suddenly sounded so hollow. This was one of her best friends and she could see no reason for it.

 

Beth apologised for her outburst, in the car going home, but Ella said and meant, “There’s no reason for you to apologise.” After Beth had left and it was herself and Faye in the car, she asked; “How did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Just go over to her and comfort her. You didn’t have any answers.”

“She wasn’t looking for answers.”

“Yes, she was. She asked…”

“She wasn’t really asking us. That was a diatribe, I’m tempted to say, God must have heard hundreds of times before. She came to us, knowing more about life than anyone of her age ought to and she isn’t stupid enough to believe that we – people of her own age and younger, hold the answers that have baffled philosophers for centuries. Most Christians, come to the Lord and spend the first six months to a year on Cloud Nine, believing that life is gonna be hunky-dory from now on and it’s a bitter blow when trouble hits. When Beth came to know Christ, because of what she’s seen in life and studying philosophy, she’d already gone through the battle of “God verses suffering” and made the decision to love and trust Him anyway. That’s faith! That doesn’t stop her, having little blips, asking questions and no doubt, shouting and swearing at Him, every now and then, but I figure God’s big enough to deal with that. That’s what happens in the Psalms, if you read them closely, they aren’t exactly all “love poetry,” but they stand on the basic premise, that God exists and He is listening. All she was asking for, at that moment, was love and that was all that I was able to give her.” Ella was dumbfounded. How did Faye get to be so wise? “It’s actually a positive thing. It proves she’s finally beginning to trust us. To say what’s really on her heart, without panicking that we aren’t gonna be friends with her anymore.”