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Celebrating 20 Years With FaithWriters 4

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
03/09/25
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The Wrestle With Feeling Rejected:

I had to wrestle again with the feelings of rejection and the emotions attached to unforgiveness, as I questioned my birth father's decision to enter my life five decades after the act. Even so, he still did not prepare to deal with the consequences of his actions.

I was disappointed by the ‘blame game’ that he chose to embrace. There’s a part of me that strongly believe that the healing process would have begun much sooner, if only he had taken responsibility for the part he played.

I am now doing everything I can, to learn how to let go of the hurt and the pain of abandonment. I am passionate about helping others in the same position as me and the man whose DNA runs through my veins. I also want my story to help ladies like my mother find healing by letting go of the shame and regret they hold onto, preventing them from seeing their true beauty; knowing that they are created by God, loved by Him; chosen by Him; and sustained by Him. Therefore, I must find freedom so I can access the life of abundance that Jesus died to give me (John 10:10b).

All areas of my life feels very much like it has been put on pause since I came into the awareness of my birth father.

The Power of a father's presence (whether in his role as a father or a husband) should never be underestimated. His presence can build you up so much that your confidence soars, taking you to higher heights, and places you'd never dream possible. In the same manner his presence can tear you down, sending you on a downward spiral. Without the support of Godly folks encouraging me, I could easily have landed at the bottom of the darkest pit, with no hope of returning. The Holy Spirit led me step by step to where I am today. 

This is where my gratitude for Thomas Kittrell, embracing me as a daughter, comes in. It was Thomas who encouraged me to, “Pray for your father, Jan.” It became a reminder that God loves me and is with me and will sustain me. This is part of how I am getting through this dry season also. Whenever, I feel like there is anger rising, I go back to God and release it to Him all over again. The choice to forgive is the easy part. But that’s just the first step. There is a process to an apology just as there is a process to forgiveness.

This is also where Jody R Goode and Christian Coutts comes in, as they (alongside Thomas) has been the constants in my life throughout this emotional roller-coaster journey. Their personal connection made the difference because I knew they had my best interest at heart and I was willing to take instructions from them whichever way it came (directly or indirectly). But most of all, it was their love shown through their willingness to pray for me and my family; bringing me into their world, treating me like a sister-in-Christ; sharing with me, and their ongoing encouragement that continues to help me see beyond the pain and keep running back to my heavenly Father.

However, I didn’t feel I had the permission to grieve the loss until Christian began publicly sharing his pain when he lost his wife, shortly after burying his father. Some of his devotional pieces were read as if God was answering specific prayers I was praying. He was also willing to have the uncomfortable conversation with me that helped me to see from a different perspective.

Love That Heals:

There's a love I have for both my parents. It is a love I cannot explain that is always there despite them both not being part of my developmental years. I had to grapple with the concept of forgiving my parents, particularly my father, for the abandonment leading to resentment that developed since childhood (without my knowledge). Because of that love, the decision to forgive came easy.

Forgiveness is freely available to those who repent of their sins, sincerely apologising for the wrong done, and accepting the gift of forgiveness which is freely given to all who will humbly ask for and choose to receive it. I want my parents to experience the healing that comes from repentance and forgiveness so I am praying that they will seek that forgiveness but if they choose not to, I have already released them and the pain I feel to God, asking Him to forgive them for they knew not what they were doing, what they have done and what their choices continue to do in my life and the impact in the life of my family.  

However, letting go of the hurt feelings from abandonment and neglect has been the challenge--the thorn in my flesh. Not hearing the words of an apology means that I am left with the painful emotions to deal with and my feelings gaining no validation. It prolongs the pain and delays the healing. At this rate, I believe, I will be laying it down again and again, until God calls me home or Jesus returns to rule His Kingdom. 

Until then, I will keep journaling my thoughts on the ‘Father-wound’ (I may rename that as ‘The Parental wound’ since they both have a part to play in my identity crisis). I am currently at the stage of reframing the things that I have experienced on this journey. It has brought healing to the table and I am super grateful for what God is doing in my life, in this season.   

End of Part 4.

>>>Continue reading part 5 here: Celebrating 20 Years With FaithWriters (5)

>>>Back to Part 1 ~ Celebrating 20 Years With FaithWriters
>>>Back to Part 2 ~ Celebrating 20 Years With FaithWriters
>>>Back to Part 3 ~ Celebrating 20 Years With FaithWriters