Grief

Unaware of Their Assignment

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
07/15/24
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 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

Parents are the designated people assigned to each individual birthed into this world. My mother and father were not in a relationship. I was born out of wedlock and grew up without them. Growing up without the care of those who were assigned to me, meant that I had no one who took personal note of what I needed in order to provide for those needs.

There were no designated folks who cared about and did what was necessary to ensure my success in life. There was no one who would drop everything at a moment’s notice to attend to my needs. Outside of my grandparents providing food, clothing and shelter, I was simply left to fend for myself.

There was no one speaking life into me on a consistent basis; no one who had the key role of responsibility / accountability in ensuring I knew I was loved, I was enough and teaching me, by example, that God loves me. There was no one interested in my education/ career, friendship, helping me discover the gifts God placed in me or helping me explore my faith.

Later in life, as I tried to deal with the complexities of adulthood, I found myself carrying the weight of many issues that were meant for the parents. Somehow I felt the need to carry that weight. I know I can’t fix what’s broken but I struggle with knowing what to do in order to move forward - the effects of being parentified.

If Exodus 20:12 is not a command we outgrow or get exempt from, How do I honour God in honouring a father who never fathered me?

The Bible says to honour parents. What does that look like, practically, in my case?

How do I know that what I am doing or not doing for both my mother and father is correct, given my situation, and whether it is or isn’t honouring to God?

There are no avenues to discuss and discover this in community (not the ones I’ve been part of anyway).

Lacking Compassion: 

I am also angry because of the lack of compassion coming from many of the leaders (in the lives of fatherless/motherless children). The ones I speak of are those who simply want to see us arrive at healing without allowing our physical bodies to grieve the loss. The grief has to run its full course, in order for healing to come. Anger is very much part of that process.

Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” So I do believe the church has the answer and as part of the church, it is my hearts desire to see healing come to hurting souls. I want to be part of the change I desire to see. Hence my sharing.

God didn’t cause the dysfunction I now find myself being part of. The hurt and the pain I am experiencing was not His doing. Nevertheless, I have seen how He has worked through the chaos in many ways throughout my life and I am now handing this part of my life over to Him so He can do the same. I know He’ll turn it around for my good.

The trajectory of this family tree has already changed/continues to change for the better and I am thanking God for His goodness towards us. My heart is in grieving mode but I know ‘this too shall pass’ and I am very much aware that I am currently going through the fire.

What happened to the people assigned to me?

Knowing the answer to that question may have helped me to arrive at a place of acceptance much earlier. However, I am aware that the answer may never be revealed. Innocence was stolen and deception continued across generations. I am now able to see my father as just another pawn in the hands of the enemy and that allowed me to take my eyes off of the man and focus my attention on Jesus Christ, the One who paid the price for the sins of mankind.

Jesus tells us in John 10:10 that the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I am also aware that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but “…against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

My experience of abandonment was meant to destroy me. Emotionally, I’ve been on a rollercoaster. Mentally, I am exhausted. Physically, my body has kept the score with long-term, negative consequences. I am now slowly releasing the toxin within but with great difficulty. Today, I can say like Joseph, in Genesis 50:20 (NIV):

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

End of part 3.

Continue reading Part 4 ~ The Battle With Grief