Grief

Bringing To Light What's In The Dark

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
07/13/24
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Why Am I Angry?

Finding out what was behind my anger was the task at hand. At the start of the search, I learned that my anger is rooted in parental neglect and abandonment. My angry feelings were mainly towards my birth father, in particular. I journeyed through life feeling rejected; unwanted; unloved; fearful; confused and directionless.

I trusted people I should not have trusted because I lacked the wisdom of discernment. I hadn’t the necessary training. I also looked to male leaders to provide what a father should have provided and female leaders for motherly advice. When those leaders abused their leadership power, I learned that people in authority was not to be trusted.

I am now aware of some of the things I have been doing that would have stemmed from the lack of parental guidance/involvement. Out of that awareness came the reality of being parentified (a new word I recently learned through my research).

The Recognition of Being Parentified:

 “Parentification occurs when a child is regularly expected to provide emotional or practical support for a parent, instead of receiving that support themselves.” ~ (What is Parentification? Signs of a Parentified Child, Newport Academy).

 “Parentification is often referred to as growing up too fast. Typically, it occurs when a child takes on parental responsibility for their siblings or even their parents, taking care of a sibling or parent physically, mentally, or emotionally. This can damage a child’s mental well-being and lead to long-term mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.” ~ ( What is Parentification, WebMD).

The absence of my parents left me with the responsibility of taking care of my siblings, alongside my grandparents. It meant that I didn’t get to live a normal childhood and the relationship I had with my siblings was in the form of a parent-child relationship (and not a healthy one, since I was thrust into leadership without the skills or capacity to lead).

Being placed in a caring role when I should have been cared for meant that I missed out on having certain foundational blocks being put in place. Now when I reach for those tools as an adult they are missing.

One of my frustration is that I am having to pay to educate myself in areas where I should have been competent in from childhood. The frustration increases when I am unable to afford the resources I need. The time I should be spending with my now family and church family (which is already limited) I am having to subtract from, constantly researching.  

I research to first understand of myself why I do the things I do. Then I research what to do to correct, to improve or to input knowledge or gain understanding. I then get overwhelmed with the constant ‘becoming aware of areas of lack’ recognising I am always playing catch-up.  

I get angry when I realise that many changes are needed and overwhelm is often getting in the way of progress.

I am angry because I now have a strained relationship with my siblings and their offspring. I don’t always feel confident in my role as an aunt who has permission to say or do certain things as an aunt would or should.  That brings more sadness to my world.

More Anger:

As an adult, I become angry with my parents whenever the lack in my life affects my marital, parental or other close relationships (such as with siblings or extended family members).  It is more direct as I felt an overwhelming responsibility to fix all of my mother’s  and siblings’ problems.

Such anger often emerges whenever the role reversal is evident in conversations with my mother or in my doing for them both.  Recently becoming aware of who my birth father is, I experienced a similar situation over a one month period before communication ceased.

With my birth father now known to me, I felt it was my responsibility to ensure reconciliation took place, despite the reality of him not owning any part of his absence from my life and the pain it caused. I felt a responsibility to ‘keep the peace’ even though I was the one in pain and needing answers from an absent father. The fact that he is only now making himself known to me, after five decades in hiding, I expected him to at least have had a plan of action.  Instead, it was left all up to me to take action.  I was lost and clueless as to what to do or what to expect.

The worst part was that there was no grace extended towards me or my husband when we didn’t handle situation the best way.  That reinforced the lack of importance that was placed on having a relationship with me.  It proved to me where I stood in his life.  He had very little regard for me as an individual. As his offspring I felt unloved, not valued or of worth to him.

I am angry because the absence of my parents meant that foundational blocks where missing or not in the right place.  Now as an adult reaching for certain tools in the bag I’m often coming up short or empty. My development was stunted. It is costing me dearly, financially and relationally.

End of Part 2.

Continue reading Part 3 - Unaware of Their Assignment