Grief

New Every Morning

by Mary Elder-Criss 
03/26/23
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New Every Morning
Mary Elder Criss

I awake as usual, slowly and painfully, as I groan at the thought of another day and attempt to assess my surroundings and pain level. Living with chronic pain is sometimes disconcerting, as I don't sleep a lot and frequently find myself waking somewhere other than my bed. I have bought every sort of pillow I can afford, various kinds of back and cervical stretchers, tens units, massagers, Biofreeze, muscle relaxers, vitamin supplements, etc. The list goes on and on. I can probably make a tidy sum off my self-purchased pharmaceutical when Jesus heals me.

As I raise myself to a sitting position, I discover I have fallen asleep for the usual allotted 4 hours in the living room in front of the large television. Blankets are in disarray, half off the couch, and as I attempt to rise, my foot comes down painfully on a discarded toy of my shepherd's. Jax has alligator teeth; as such, no toy of his is ever soft and squishy, as they only last about 12 minutes. To compensate for this, every single toy of his is hard rubber and weighs about 3 lbs. apiece., which isn't much fun when he drops it on your bare foot. Muttering under my breath, I stare out the window at the early morning sun and am at least thankful to see that. March in WV is a crapshoot. Sort of like a box of chocolates. "You never know what you're going to get." (Forrest Gump—1994 Romance/Drama)

"Through the Lord's mercies, we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: Great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion, says my soul. "Therefore I hope in Him!"—Lamentations 3:22-24 (NKJV.)

Chronic pain doesn't usually allow for much joy in the mornings. I am always stiff and sore, even with my ninety-dollar pillow. It takes me a while to get moving, and once I am moving, I am usually soon overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work and duties that await me each day. Things that used to be routine, like sweeping or vacuuming floors, making beds, folding laundry, paying bills, and preparing meals, now wholly exhaust me. My husband helps a lot, but he also works a demanding job, and I always feel guilty for all the extra duties he has had to take over because I no longer can. It's not a good place to be mentally or physically.

As if the chronic pain itself isn't enough to deal with daily, my family is also undergoing a period of deep grief over the very recent loss of our son-in-law, Isaac. Our youngest daughter's husband, only twenty-nine years old, went to be with Jesus just a little over two months ago due to a horrific accident. He left my daughter a widow at the tender age of twenty-seven, and everything came to a crashing halt. We brought her home to stay with us for a month to try to give her a place to heal and find a little peace, and this morning was my first day without her here as she returned to their tiny home yesterday afternoon. The silence of her absence was overwhelming, and I found myself repeatedly dissolving into racking sobs.

There are simply no words to describe her grief. Many people don't believe in love at first sight, but when the Lord places your soul mate squarely in your path, there is a part of you that knows, at that moment, that you have found the one whom your soul loves (Song of Solomon 3:4) It was that way with them. She was dating a young man she thought was the "one" when she met Isaac, although they were having issues, and I believe the Lord was attempting to show her that their paths weren't straight. Suddenly, my daughter, who had always been a bit of a rebel, but not in a destructive way, was flying American flags high and listening to many more country tunes than her typical "Breaking Benjamin" genre of music.

People who meet Erin almost always realize something different about her. Over the years, I can't tell you how many people have told me, "There's just something about Erin." I, of course, knew that "something different "was Jesus. She shines for Him and has had a deep hunger for Him since she was a little girl. Isaac emanated the same sort of spirit, except his energy was raw. He had a need; he was just unsure what for until he met her. She possessed knowledge of the Light for which he was searching. They were like two powerful magnets and were immediately drawn to each other as magnets do.

Their courtship was a whirlwind, and the energy they created together often caught you up and swept you off your feet, whether you wanted to be. Less than five months after meeting Erin, Isaac accepted the Lord as His Savior and proclaimed it publicly in obedience with baptism.
Twelve months later, they joined in matrimony in a small ceremony on my parent's marriage anniversary. In the seven years that followed, they moved four times, once to New Mexico for a year for him to drive big rigs for his dad's company. I thought my heart would break for them to be so far away from us. Little did I know then what grief truly is.

After a year in New Mexico, they settled back in North Carolina, where they first met, and bought a small trailer to live in while they saved for their dreams of land and a family together. Less than four years later, he left for work at his usual time and never returned home. All the broken dreams, plans, hoped-for children, growing old together, praising Jesus, camping, long nights of binge-watching their favorite shows and grilling out, making fires in their fire pit, laughing, eating, and sleeping together were suddenly, in one horrific moment, over, and she was alone.
Of course, she wasn't alone, and neither were we, as Jesus was right there in the midst and since Isaac was with Jesus, Isaac was there too. "We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord."—2 Corinthians 5:8 (NKJV)

Even with Jesus and His surrounding peace that passes all understanding and the comfort that He and He alone can bring, this has been a rough and stormy sea. Waves of despair and sorrow come from nowhere and threaten to capsize you. All you can honestly do is try not to drown. Your heart hearts so much that it raises in your throat, and you must either scream or swallow it whole. I have never known such heartache, even upon my mother’s death six years earlier, who was my best friend.

Watching your child suffer is incomparable. You can apply no band-aid or ointment to soothe the hurt. You are completely and utterly out of your league. You can't fix it, and you can't control it; you can't undo it. You can only kneel and pray when your legs are cut out from under you.
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. "–Romans 8:18 (NKJV)

Yet we know. We know that in the end, we will be victorious. We know that in the future, we will reign with Christ, we will rejoice with our loved ones who have gone on before, and He will restore what was taken sevenfold. We know we are only living in the "Shadowlands" (C.S. Lewis—Chronicles of Narnia) and that the new earth Jesus promises us for eternity is a far, far better place than this land of pain and suffering. They are not even worth being compared to the eternal joy that awaits us.

I know without a doubt that there will be more waves. There will be rough seas. There will be times when we feel we are drowning and can't survive one more. But there is Jesus.

"Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace, be still" and the wind ceased, and there was a great calm." Mark 4:39 (NKJV)

His mercies are new every morning; His compassions fail not. He will not allow us to be consumed. Great is His faithfulness. I am so thankful I serve a Master who can walk on water and rebuke the wind. "Peace Be Still."