16 October 2013
I did not choose my darkness surrounding me. I did not choose the constant nagging emotional pain which threatens to tear me apart from the inside out.
From the outside I am a normal teenage girl that is happy, outgoing and hardworking, yet appearances can be deceiving. Ask me.
My whole life I had been living in the world of pretend. Pretending we are the perfect family. Pretending my Mom and Dad are happily married. Pretending my Dad treated me as any loving father world. Pretending I am safe and loved as any child should be.
Yet I am living a different reality. I am not safe and I am not loved. Dear Diary, my father was in my room again this morning, touching me, hurting me and forcing himself on me again as always.
Dear Diary, I do not know how much of this I can take. I do not understand why God is allowing this. Did I do something wrong to deserve this?
I want to end this anguish and pain, but I do not know how. I guess I should tell somebody what Dad is doing to me, but I do not know where to go to.
I know that no one will believe me. I know that they will choose the word of a preacher over the word of an eighteen year old girl.
I want to die. I do not want to hurt anymore. I do not want to play the game of pretend anymore. I want to escape the surrounding darkness and go to a place where there is not any pain or fear.
Dear Diary, I want to believe that there is a God; a loving Father Who loves me and Who are taking care of me as Tina often tells me, but I just cannot bring myself to believe it, for how can a loving Father God allow a preacher to abuse his daughter while he preach about His love from the pulpit.
I hate God! I hate Him! I wish that He was a character from someone’s imagination then I do not have to face this storm of confusing that is raging inside me as well as the truth that I hate the only One that can help me.
Dear Diary, I am afraid of who I will become. I am afraid of the surrounding darkness enveloping me so that there is nothing left of me.
Where do I run from this darkness? Where do I hide?