Family

Dad where are you

by Bhaskar Venugopal
11/10/16
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I spent all my school life in one of the oldest, finest convent-run education institutions in India. I still vividly remember how we gathered meticulously every morning for the assembly. It was grand, exciting and invigorating to start the day with such positivity. The assembly ended with a closing prayer that we kids recited in unison: “Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come…”I don’t know if any of us understood what this prayer written in 16th century English meant; perhaps, the only connect was with the term ‘father’. We somehow understood intrinsically that we were praying to God like we talked with ‘daddy’. The connection was almost automatic. A lot of meaning is embodied in the word “Father” that when uttered, it reverberates, providing a sense of assurance that we are unconditionally loved, adored, accepted and protected. Almost two decades have passed by; schools look a lot different today; assembly meetings have gone virtual (thanks to modern day conferencing equipment). In most schools, the ‘Morning Prayer’ has become extinct. But I often wonder if the basic need of a child to be loved, adored and protected has ever changed or will ever change for generations to come. Children have needed fathers, they still do and forever will. It’s time we respond to that familiar cry from the heart of every child - “Dad! Where are you?”. Today, children may not be reciting the “Lord’s prayer” in their schools each morn, but I’m tempted to believe they utter “Dad’s murmur” when they assemble back at their homes every even, the lines of which may be “My father, why are you always distant? Do you remember my name? When would you come home…?”I have very pleasant memories of my childhood. My father provided for all my needs to the best of his ability, but I cannot recall or visualize (with any amount of brain squeezing) my dad paying my school fees or meeting my material needs. Of course he did it for me all the time, but that’s not what is etched in my mind. On the contrary, I can still relive those moments with him on the beach, in the swimming pool, the long walks and ever exciting small talks and hearty laughs. Dad was there to show me he cared. He did what he was supposed to by providing for me, but somehow his presence meant more to me than his provision. This was my first learning.

*A dad’s presence is more valued than his provision*

I am a father today and I can say with a great deal of confidence that the journey that inducts you into fatherhood is not very smooth. I guess staying with your spouse through the term of pregnancy provides learning that is unparalleled. It’s like a long roller coaster ride - up one moment and down another. The heart-in-throat hospital visits with its checks, scans and tests, the long dietary lists (laws is a better word), the travel restrictions and the entourage of friends and relatives who drop by to pay their visits…the list is endless. For us, my wife had medical complications to top it all and the fear of losing the child just lingered through those months of waiting. Finally the day came, a lot earlier than we expected, almost a month before the date given to us by the docs. The child was very much alive but had jaundice that needed a little monitoring and so we ended up frequenting the hospital for a couple more weeks. I can’t forget one visit with the pediatrician when he recommended a blood test. The thought of seeing a week-old infant pricked by a needle was bad enough but the worst was yet to come. The doctor pulled a chair close to us and explained how the blood would be drawn - “we cannot use a syringe, we will insert a raw needle into the child and allow the blood to drip drop by drop and the attendant will collect the sample”. The moment he said this, my wife ran out of the room. And so I was left with this daunting task of handling my little boy even as an old doctor (vampire?) and a “cruel” attendant prepared to perform the ghastly act of drawing my son’s blood. I braced myself and prayed in my heart and held my little one. The needle was inserted, the blood trickled down and those few minutes seemed like eternity. My son was wailing and crying with tears rolling down his pink cheeks. I had no way of communicating with him. How on earth was I supposed to react as his ‘daddy’? A song, hug or smooth talk? A million options raced through my mind and finally I just did something by instinct; I placed my face close to his and looked right into his eyes and began stroking him. I can’t explain what happened but it helped him, we were gazing into each other’s eyes, he was still moaning with pain, but there was something transpiring on a different realm. Not a word spoken, but the message was being delivered, sonny was being comforted and daddy was being inducted. I realized, this was now my new role, I had been promoted - I was now a father. Promotions are exciting but along with promotion comes additional work and responsibility.  No one complains when it happens in professional life then why not extend the same to personal life? After all we are one being, it should be natural for us to respond consistently in both facets of life isn’t it? This experience transformed my thinking; I began enjoying the additional tasks of feeding, bathing and playing with my little one from that day on, viewing them as additional responsibilities that trickled into my schedule each day because of my promotion. I learnt my second lesson:

*Becoming a dad is a promotion in personal life*

I believe life is much larger than the happenings of daily life. There is a greater meaning and purpose for our existence that is beyond existential struggles. Our identity comes from our purpose and not from what we do. The unfortunate fact of life is that we try to associate (and often mix up) the two. I am not sure if this is true of all cultures, but raising children is most often feminized or modernized. By ‘feminized’ I mean, the shift of responsibility to the mother (or granny) because of the notion that getting involved in ‘home issues’ dents a man’s image. So fathers tend to love it when they give their offspring their ‘nature’ but seldom participate in their ‘nurture’. The search for the missing constant to balance the equation of social stability has often been traced down to dads in households (many studies prove a strong correlation between crime rate and broken homes - especially those without dads). By ‘modernized’ I mean the recent trend of shifting the responsibility to care takers and nannies. As much as child care centers, care takers and specialized help are a boon to every household, they must be considered as support systems – pillars that hold the structure and not the foundation. A child is raised on a solid foundation laid down by parents – Dads cannot be excluded.As a father, playing my part in the nurture of my children is no longer a threat to my identity or a dent to my masculinity but becomes part of my responsibility because I find greater meaning in the overall process of raising children than trying to find it in the act of changing diapers or telling bed time stories. The larger meaning is to leave behind a bright legacy. Imagine, as a father you are impacting the next generation or if you are a strong theist (like me) then being a father is being a good leader, role-model and a representative of God to your child.  This is lesson number three

*As a dad, I’m fulfilling a greater purpose in life*

Years have rolled by since my last promotion (as a dad) - my son is now in school. He handles the smart phones better than I do. When the clock strikes 6 pm no matter where I am, I can expect a call on my official phone with a squeaky, yet authoritative voice booming “Dad! Where are you?”. The call is enough to make me pack my bags and head home…Is my work done? No it has just begun…I’m on my way to fulfill my call.