Christian Living

---

The present or the previous

It is very nearly four months to the day since, Christopher 26, my youngest son, took his own life. How did I feel when I knew what he had done? Try as I might, I am unable, not unwilling, to adequately describe my loss. Every child is unique. Christopher’s strengths and weaknesses were what made the family unit what it was. He was unmistakably divinely made.

He once asked me, “How would you feel if I was dead?” I replied, without hesitation, “I would probably pour out my heart every day.” If anyone, at that time, showed me a miniscule portion of emotion, the tears started and it is still the same four months later. I loved Christopher desperately.

However, I can truthfully testify, that God, never once left my side. I have served the Lord for a long time, and I thought, as a follower, that I was aware of His presence, His blessing and His anointing. However, I have never been as conscious of His presence as I was during those dark periods in my life.

The God of all comfort and understanding was on my case. Did He answer all my questions? I never asked any. Why not? I was inwardly shattered and too weak to reason. Fortunately, I was taken captive by His love. I knew where Chris was, where I was going and the assurance of that inner conviction, instilled hope in me. Did that, or has that, stopped the tears? No.

What was wrong with Christopher? He was in a psychiatric hospital suffering from continual depression. What did we do, apart from visiting him often, we repeatedly applied, as every Christian parent would, every theological truth we knew and up until the end, we remained vigilant in prayer, along with every other prayer warrior we knew. We also walked up and down every avenue of emotion; that is, we stressed his relevance to our life, especially to Charlotte and above all, the spiritual effect, both in time and in eternity of his intended action. I believed and taught at that time, that those people who took their own lives suffered eternal consequences.

Where do I stand now?

That particular Saturday was running along parallel lines. Until ... Val and I were sitting in the lounge, Charlotte 16 was in the study and exactly at 21.00 the phone rang. Val answered, it was Phil our firstborn, I never said anything, I looked at her features and I knew there and then that Christopher was dead. Very quickly we told Charlotte who immediately pressed the denial button, as she snuggled up to her Mum and uncontrollably cried, “They have made a mistake. It’s someone else. It cannot be. Not Chris. No ... “

Phil, who lived a two hour’s drive from us, informed us that the police wanted to talk to us in the morning about the suspicious circumstances regarding Christopher’s death. At 05.00 the following morning we set out for Dundee. As we were near our destination, our mobile phone rang, it was Phil, informing us that he meant Monday not Sunday. I decided, there and then, to go to Phil’s church, and I am glad I did.

Before the service started the Pastor approached me and tenderly asked, “How can I tell the congregation about Christopher?” After a brief pause, he said, “How about, Christopher’s heart was right with God but his mind was troubled.” I agreed. He then said, “Let us ask God to give us a vision of eternity.” After prayer, he then added, “I see Jesus standing and he is embracing Christopher to His bosom.” Talk about tears! It was a torrent. I folded internally as His compassion swept over me.

What about my previous theological understanding? I eventually realised, in my inner man, that the eternal God saw and understood Christopher’s perplexing circumstances from a different and a more accurate perspective. This truth was enlightened and enforced through His loving and non-condemning attitude and the extremely effective ministry of His body. I never knew so many people genuinely loved us.

We have received many beautiful cards with inspiring words of consolation. Sometimes, I have been critical and judgemental regarding other Christian’s alleged concern, especially during, so called, hard times. However, I can honestly say that, without exception, I could feel God’s presence coming from every card and hear His voice as the words, which seemed to be embossed in love, were read out. Even after a second reading, we still arrived at the same conclusion.

Val beautifully arranged the order of service.

A few weeks after the funeral, I had the following dream. It was as though I was in a bus depot. There were many people talking and moving around at the same time. I heard a voice say, “David Mc Ardle is the next one to go through the exit door.” Someone else asked, “Where is the key for the exit door?” Another voice answered, “It is lost, but we have ordered another one.” Without any further preamble, the exit door was opened and I walked out with my case. The single-decker was blue and white. While I was moving, I tried to give a lady my case, she kept refusing my request. We arrived at my destination. However, as soon as the door opened, I was aware that there were three buses, one on top of each other. I looked out the door and said, “I cannot get down.” So I turned around and knelt on the top step ... and then I awoke and realised that I was kneeling beside my bed in a cramped position. Immediately, I heard the Lord say, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me” [2 Samuel 12.23].

Where do I stand today? If God were to give me a choice ... the present or the previous ... knowing what I know now, I would choose the present. [David McArdle]

End

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE