Short Stories

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But
when Paul had
gathered a bundle
of sticks and
laid them on
the fire,
a viper came out
because of the heat,
and
fastened on
his hand.
[Acts 28:3]
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(Knock, KNOCK!)

(Craggy voice.)
"COME IN!"

(Poke scruffy head inside.)
(Halo falls down, over
plump face.)
(Squint.)
"Hey.....PAUL?
Can I ASK YA,
SOMETHIN'?"

(Craggy look.)
"YEAH?
WHAT?"
(Grimmace!)
"WHAT do YOU
WANT?"

(Squint.)
"Are you ALWAYS
this GRUMPY?"

(Craggy nod.)
"YEAH!
You wouldn't BELIEVE...
how many PEOPLE,
I have COMIN'
AND GOIN'!
ALL DAY LONG!
ASKING ME,
THESE STUPID QUESTIONS!"

(Squinty look.)
(Staring around,
at all the memorabilia,
and scrolls and papers
strewn all over the
cluttered, dusty room.
In one corner, is a
big huge desk; the
whole top is covered
with leather-bound
books, and piles of papers
and scrolls. There's
a big DELL box, over
in the opposite corner;
only one flap is opened.
On top of the DELL box,
are several large,
dusty leather-bound
books, a little wooden
model of a Greecian
sailing ship,
and a toilet plunger.)
"Well.....ya know;
all that WRITING,
you did,
and all........when,
people get Up Here,
they're bound to
wanna TALK to ya..."

(Craggy yell.)
"About WHAT?"
(Craggy face.)
"If they NEED to
ask any QUESTIONS,
about my LETTERS...
they ought to go over
to the THRONE ROOM!"

(Sorrowful squint.)
"Yeah.....I TRIED THAT."

(Craggy frown!)
"WELL,
WHAT HAPPENED?"

"The LORD told me
to come over.....
and ask YOU."

(Craggy sigh.)
"Well....I'm about
to go to DINNER!
WHAT was your
QUESTION?"

"Well......."

(Craggy shout.)
"Just, SPIT IT OUT!"

"Boy, are you GRUMPY!"

(Craggy snort of laughter!)

"Well.......Mr. Paul....
eh......"
(Squint.)
"Or...would you rather
be called MR. SAUL?"

"EITHER!
LOOK!
I gotta go to DINNER!
WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION?"

(Squint.)
"Well.....eh...
I just wanted to ASK,
you..."

"WHAT?"

(Embarrassed look.)
"Eh......well....
when you were on that
ISLAND...."

"Nuh, UH!
YA got the wrong APOSTLE!"

"NO!
NO, Mr. PAUL!
I mean.....Mr. SAUL!
Not THAT ISLAND!
The OTHER ONE!"

(Confused craggy look.)
"Which ONE?
I was on a COUPLE a' them!"

"Eh......MALTA?"

(Craggy nod.)
(Grimmace!)
"Oh....yeah.
YEAH.
THAT one!
Yeah; go ON!"
(Frown.)
(Glance at watch:
it's a gift from one
of the recent newcomers
to Heaven; it is really
fancy, and inscribed on
the back is, 'On the
Road to Damascus!'.)

(Look around for a chair.)
(Sit down on a dusty floor pillow.)
"Well.....when
you were on MALTA....
did it HURT,
when that SNAKE BIT?
Cuz.....ya know: they
said you just SHOOK it off,
and it didn't POISON YOU....so, ya know;
I was just WONDERING...."

(Craggy, grumpy voice.)
"WHO ASKED YOU TO SIT DOWN?"
(Craggy shout.)
"Go ASK the LORD!"

(Whiny voice.)
"I already ASKED HIM!
HE won't TELL ME!"

"GOOD!
IT'S A STUPID QUESTION!"

(Stamp good foot.)
(Whiny screech.)
"Aw!
Come ON!
You can..TELL ME!
Then, you can go to DINNER!"

(Curious craggy look.)
"ARE YOU A JEW?"

(Squinty nod.)
"Yeah."

"Which TRIBE?"

"Dunno;
the Lord won't TELL ME."

(Snort of laughter!)
"HE DOESN'T TELL
YOU MUCH,
DOES HE?"

"Uh, uh."
(Shrug.)
(Squint.)
"SO?
Did it HURT, or WHAT?"

(Craggy laugh!)
"COME to dinner!
AND.....I'LL TELL YA,
all ABOUT IT!"

"Where 'ya GOIN'?"

"To the Throne ROOM!"

(Squint.)
(Frown.)
(Shake head,
kvetchily.)
"Neah;
no thanks."

"WHY?"

"Cuz;
it's too FORMAL,
over There."
(Frown!)
"Ya gotta take
off y'ur SHOES...
it's too COMPLICATED..."
(Kvetchy shrug.)
"Plus....the
Lord won't let me
have any sugary SODAS..
when I'm in There."
(Frown.)
"Anyhow..I only like
McDonalds-type food."

(Curious, grumpy stare.)
"What's....a...MAHK...
DAHG'GALS....?"
*********************
But
he shook off
the creature
into the fire
and
suffered
no harm.
[Acts 28:5]

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