Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: TRIP (10/18/18)
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TITLE: Away We Go! | Previous Challenge Entry
By Trudy Newell
10/25/18 -
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Joy glanced over at Larry and smiled. He’ll never guess. He works too hard, and it’s time for a break.
She watched him sit at his laptop deep in thought. Larry loved being a pastor. He dreamed about ministry, talked about the Lord, and the pulpit was his passion. He treasured the Word and loved explaining it in a way everyone could understand. He loved his flock, and his flock loved him. Joy did all she could to support him in ministry.
One way she supported him in ministry was working full-time at the bank. Their small church could not afford more than a stipend. Joy was the chief breadwinner. Somehow, she had managed to squirrel away some savings. Joy shopped at the dollar stores and made every penny count. Larry would never believe she’d go off the deep-end and book this trip.
Wish I could swing that trip to Israel. But there’s just no way.
Larry looked up, “What are you thinking about?”
Joy chuckled, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Okay, I’ll wait till you’re ready.”
That was the big question. When would she be ready? Larry and I have no secrets. I thank the Lord for the open, honest relationship we have, but how long can I keep this a surprise?
Larry moved to his recliner, leaned back and closed his eyes. Patricia was over at the church typing up the bulletin and answering the phone. She had recently retired, and last month offered to do secretarial work for him. Joy was glad he could work without interruption today.
“I made some great progress this morning.” He said.
“I’ll go make us some lunch then.” Joy told him.
His cell phone rang. “Oh, hi Patricia, what’s up.”
Joy started to tune out until she heard the word ‘double-booking’. What was this all about?
She wandered back into the living room. Larry looked at her and motioned for her to go back into the kitchen.
“That’s strange. Okay, I’ll call them right back.”
“What’s that all about?” she asked as he joined her in the kitchen.
“Well, if you must know, I decided to book a trip for us to go see the Ark. First Baptist Church has a tour set up. It’s in two weeks.”
Joy looked at Larry. “Oh, I don’t believe this.”
“What don’t you believe?”
“I booked us on the same tour two months ago.”
Larry stared at Joy. “How in the world did you manage that?”
“I’ve been saving for a long time and decided we both needed the break. I wanted to surprise you.”
Larry got up and kissed her lightly on the forehead. “Just when were you planning to let me know? I do have a full schedule.”
“Well, you know now.”
“So, that’s why there’s a double-booking. Do I just cancel one of them? We'll probably lose the deposit.”
Joy frowned. “I guess there’s nothing else we can do.”
Suddenly Larry brightened. “Yes, there is. Why not ask Jeff and Kathy to join us on the tour? They’re newly-weds and didn’t have a real honeymoon. What do you think?”
“What a great idea. Won’t they be shocked. Besides, the money has already been spent. This is a perfect way to minister to them.”
“Terrific!” Larry grinned, as he picked up the phone.
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Be aware of your sentence structures. I bet if you go back and count how many sentences start with a name or pronoun, you'll be shocked. You also have some POV shifts. By fixing those, you could make your story more active, do more showing and less telling. For example, I might edit something like this: Watching him sit at his laptop, she wondered if he was deep in thought. <i>Perhaps he's dreaming about his ministry. I'm pretty sure he loves being a pastor because his face practically glows every time he steps behind the pulpit. Excitement shines in his eyes when he reads the Word and then translates it so everyone else understands it. I've heard him prayer for everyone in the congregation. I am surely blessed to be a part of this gentle man's missions and rejoice in doing everything I can to help. </i>
Those are just some quick examples to show you what I mean. Originally, every sentence in that paragraph began with a name or pronoun, but by tweaking it, I lowered it to only three, which is a decent balance. By adding thought, I fix the POV shift and add some body language.
You're doing great with the dialog. It feels natural for the most part. Remember if it's a tagline at the end of a quote, there should be a comma and a capital letter: “I made some great progress this morning,” he said. (Unless the quote ends in a question mark or exclamation point, you don't use a comma, but still use lowercase on the tagline after the quote.
If it's a narrative phrase then no comma: Larry looked up. “What are you thinking about?”
I think you did a fine job of writing on topic, developing the characters, and delivering a wonderful message. In today's world it's especially important to care for others and listen to God. Great job.