Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Europe (excluding the United Kingdom) (02/19/09)
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TITLE: The Song of Tariq bin Ziyad | Previous Challenge Entry
By Melanie Kerr
02/25/09 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
Seven thousand troops I lead
Into your Spanish country
My men and I proceed
I’m not a cruel invader
The sword is not my way
A few things I insist upon
If here you want to stay
Your homes won’t be demolished
My slaves you will not be
The way you lived your life will be
The same to some degree
I won’t insist on pain of death
Your faith you must convert
If you remain a Christian be
Assured you’ll not be hurt
But things will not be quite same
You will be a Dhimmi
Understand I cannot give
You total liberty
Your presence I will tolerate
If you’re prepared to say
That Islam is superior
And not your Christian way
Islamic power reigns supreme
Your faith you must not share
The things you do in private are
Of course, your own affair
The tax you pay is higher
It seems to me quite fair
The difference in our stations is
Shown by the badge you wear
You cannot carry weapons for
I have defeated you
And if I choose to close your church
There’s nothing you can do
Be sure to think before you speak
I will not tolerate
The blasphemy concerning Christ
That you are prone to state
God reigns alone in heaven
There’s no beloved Son
Muhammad is his prophet
No other truth, no, none
I do not fear or hate you
You’re such a feeble race
I think you’d be much better off
If Islam you’d embrace
I’m sure you’re looking forward to
Our life of harmony
Side by side I’ll live with you
Subordinate to me
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I really like the irony in this poem - very well crafted! Your voice through the whole poem is excellent.
Here's some red ink:
I thought maybe a little more imagery would have made for a more interesting read. His scorn for Christianity could have been even more ironic with some vivid imagery.
I also felt like some of the rhymes sounded a little forced, like lead/proceed and way/stay.
The ending was great - the perfect ending to a perfect example of irony...
It's tough giving red ink to someone in master's, but I hope you know I share my thoughts with grace and love! :-)
Blessings,
Ben
This red ink is just one poet's opinion/preference for taking or leaving... I think that it is helpful to the reader to punctuate poetry much the same as prose, otherwise we're not sure when we are permitted a breath. I found the meter somewhat inconsistent, which, for me, impeded its flow.
What I think you did best was the enjambment, carrying a thought smoothly from one line to the next, not falling in to the trap of some who think that each line should contain a complete sentence, or at least pause with a comma at the end of each line.
If you wish to clarify any of my comments, my e-mail is in my profile, or I may be reached on the boards as hwnj.