The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
12/13/07
I get the message that you're trying to get across, but it seems to end up just being a history timeline without helping the reader to get into the characters' minds. I think what happened it that you tried to pack too much into the story. With 750 words, it's better to just take one or two episodes and then put detail and dialogue into them. Translating that to this piece, you could focus on the break-in and have a meeting for all the members, during which you could mention the history and have a rousing speech by the pastor on how the people are the church, not the building they put so much hope into.
12/15/07
An interesting journey - you definitely kept me interested. I did, however, find this a touch dry - might have engaged me more with some characterization of some sort. Just my thoughts, though.