Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Trust and Obey (don't write about the song) (05/21/15)
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TITLE: Wake Up Call | Previous Challenge Entry
By Trudy Newell
05/28/15 -
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I woke up. There was a strong odor of disinfectant, and I coughed. Oh, how my side ached! My head spun, and I couldn’t think. Why was everything so fuzzy? Why can’t I think? Where was I? The door stood ajar, and voices echoed just outside.
Mom walked in with a nurse, ran over and gave me a hung. “Oh, Madelyn, are you okay!”
“I think so. What’s going on? Am I in the hospital or something?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Remember what?”
Mom looked at the nurse, and there was a long pause.
“Madelyn, my name is Jessica, and I’ve been looking after you. Don’t talk right now. Yes, you’re in St. Joseph’s hospital, and you’re going to be fine. Get some rest.”
Mom held my hand as I faded into oblivion.
When I woke up the next time the sun filtered brightly through the window.
“Good morning, honey. Dad is getting a cup of coffee. How are you feeling now?”
“Better. Coffee sounds good. Can I have a cup?”
“I’ll ask Jessica. Want some breakfast too?”
I groaned as a pain shot through my side, then tried to smile. “I think I can handle that.”
Mom buzzed for Jessica, and breakfast followed in short order.
Dad and mom went down to get their breakfast. I lie there wondering what happened.
Suddenly a flash of memory! Ann, Kim and I were goofing off, running around in Ann’s red Ford Ranger. We had a couple of drinks at Joe’s and were headed home. The three of us were jammed into the cab. That was all I could remember.
When dad and mom returned, I asked them what had happened. Again there was that long pause.
Mom left the room. She returned with Jessica and a doctor.
“Madelyn, I’m Dr. Mason. I have good news for you. You don’t have a concussion, and your memory loss is due to the alcohol level in your blood.”
My checks burned like fire, and my eyes pooled. Have I made a fool of myself, or what?
He wrote on the chart and smiled at me, “I want to keep you here another day for observation. You need complete rest. You have some bad bruises, but no broken bones. It’s a miracle that you survived.
Mom looked at the doctor with a question in her eyes.
He nodded. “Go ahead and tell her.”
“Honey, the Ranger rolled off the road and turned upside down. It’s totaled. Kim is in intensive care with serious injuries.”
“What about Ann?”
Mom leaned over and kissed me lightly on the forehead, “Honey, I’m so sorry. Ann didn’t make it. She died instantly.”
I broke down in tears. Doctor Mason stepped over, “Madelyn, you’ve had a shock. This will help you relax.” With that Jessica gave a mild sedative.
By lunch time I was feeling much better. I munched on my chicken salad sandwich. Dad and mom had gone home to freshen up and get some rest.
I found a Gideon Bible in the drawer. Wow! This is like a new book! After a few minutes I fell asleep.
Madelyn, do I have your attention now?
I sat up with a start. Where did that thought come from?
I look at the Bible still laying open on my lap. My eyes fell on Isaiah 26:3, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.” I realized the Lord was dealing with me.
Trust Me, and obey.
But, Lord, what am I to do now? I haven’t been following you the way I should. I haven’t trusted you and obeyed. I’ve made a mess of my life. Ann’s dead, and poor Kim.
Madelyn, trust Me and obey. Confession is the first step to restoration.
Lord, I’m sorry. I’ve been running my own life, not listening to You or obeying You. I didn’t need to trust you because I had it all figured out. I’m in college now, and thought I could make it on my own. I wanted to experience a taste of the good life; I wanted freedom; I wanted to do things my way. Obey was not in my vocabulary.
Two hours later mom and I were giggling and laughing like a couple of school girls at the way God works.
Dr. Mason walked in and looked at me. “Young lady, what happened? You look like a different person.”
I winked at mom. “Dr. Mason, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. It’s all a matter of trusting and obeying God.”
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My main red ink would be to condense some of the lines and mix some more action to do more showing. For example:
The stench of disinfectant woke me, and I coughed and sputtered as tears streamed down my face. Grabbing my side with one hand, I tried to stop my head from spinning with the other. Where am I? What did I do? A groan escaped my lips.
This story is perfect with the shape of the world today. I'm sure many can relate in many different ways. You did a great job and held my interest the entire read, The topic is splattered throughout the entire story. You did a nice job with the ending too, leaving the reader with a sense of understanding and warmth.