Short Stories
For I am not
ashamed
of the Gospel.
[Romans 1:16]
*************************
(Scene opens on a grumpy-
looking Roman soldier, dressed
in early first century Roman
uniform. He's sitting behind a big wooden
table, and holding up a
scroll, squinting and holding
it first up close.....and, then
far-away. He mutters a curse,
and suddenly, looks up.)
"Come IN!"
"Captain Hornblowicus,
SIR!"
"What IS it,
Second Lieutenant SPUTICUS?
Can't you see I'm BUSY?"
"No, sir.
I mean:
YES, SIR!"
(Warning look.)
"At EASE,
Second Lieutenant."
(Captain Hornblowicus
rolls up the scroll, he was
trying to read, and folds
his hands behind his
big head. His helmet is
lying, askew, across one
of the many scrolls tossed
about his Captain's Table.)
"What's this ABOUT?"
"My ASSIGNMENT,
SIR!"
(Captain Hornblowicus suddenly
squints, rather curiously, at his best guardsman.)
"Sputicus.....have you been
putting on......
some WEIGHT?"
(Second Lieutenant Sputicus
shifts his eyes, and squirms,
just a bit.)
"Uh;
yes, sir.
(Pause.)
"It's the food....sir."
"WHAT food, SPUTICUS?
You're supposed to be sticking
to our regimen DIET!"
"Uh;
it's not OUR food, sir...."
"WHOSE, then?"
(Second Lieutenant Sputicus
sighs, and squirms even more.)
"Well....SIR!
Paul's got all these JEWS
visiting him, night and DAY!
MOST of them, are his RELATIVES!"
"SO?
You're on an ASSIGNMENT,
SPUTICUS! You're supposed
to GUARDING your PRISONER,
day and NIGHT! Night and DAY!"
(Squirm.)
"Uh,
yes sir."
(Glance down at recently-polished
Roman boots.)
(Pause.)
"It's THEIR food, sir!
It's....really GOOD!
And.....FILLING!
Naturally, everytime they
bring a meal for PRISONER PAUL..."
"YOU get SOME!"
"Well, sir.....I don't even have
to ASK for it; they just, naturally,
bring TWO helpings of EVERYTHING,
to the COTTAGE!"
(Woeful glance up at the Captain.)
It's not my FAULT, SIR!"
(Derisive frown.)
"Yeah.....YEAH!
Get ON, with IT!
I'm a VERY BUSY man!"
"Well....like, I was
sayin', sir....
it's about my assignment...
it's causing me undue hardship."
(Captain Hornblowicus leans forward
in his Captains' Chair, causing it
to creak noisily.)
"WHAT?"
(Big guffaw.)
"It isn't it, like....
you're MARCHING,
on the road to....
GREECE....
in the pouring RAIN!"
(Sweep hand over cluttered
table.)
"CAN'T you see,
I'm SWAMPED with
all this PAPER WORK?"
"Uh, yes sir.
I'm sorry to bother you,
sir."
(Slight pause.)
"It's, eh....
about a transfer."
"What are you TALKING
about, Second Lieutenant?"
(Shuffle some scrolls.)
"Aren't you.......
(Squint down,
and then away,
at a scribbled-on
scroll.)
(Look up.)
...on a CUSHY ASSIGNMENT,
right NOW?"
(Snort with laughter!)
"Guarding that little JEWISH GUY?
Who's... a,
POLITICAL PRISONER?"
"No, sir.
I mean,
yes, sir."
(Captain Hornblowicus
has an honestly confused
look, on his bearded face.)
"I don't UNDERSTAND?
You DON'T think it's
EASY?"
(Shake of the head.)
(Roll eyes, toward big
window overlooking courtyard.)
"All you DO, is
SIT AROUND,
all DAY!"
(Pause, to give a meaningful
glare at his best guardsman.)
"...EATING JEWISH food!"
"Uh....
Yes, sir."
"In a little, fenced-in COTTAGE!
On a GRASSY KNOLL!"
(Sputicus shamefully
glances away,
and then nods.)
"SURROUNDED by
TREES!
And....."
(Shrug.)
"BIRDS!"
(Second Lieutenant Sputicus
clears his throat.)
"WHAT birds,
sir?"
"I DUNNO!"
(Hold big palms upward.)
(Shrug again.)
"BIRDS!
And....FLOWERS,
and STUFF!
What's your PROBLEM?"
(Smirk!)
(Turns aside, to glance at his
obediantly busy assistant Private,
who's obviously trying not to
listen in on the conversation.)
"Besides....gettin'
a little CHUNKY,
around the MIDDLE?"
(Second Lieutenant Sputicus
squirms, and then looks
down at the tip of his
recently shined Roman boot.)
(Clears dry throat, again.)
(Shifts the other recently
shined boot, back and forth.)
"It's my prisoner,
Captain Hornblowicus.
He's drivin' me NUTS."
"SO?
SMACK him,
AROUND,
a LITTLE!"
(More guffawing.)
"WHAT are you,
some KID?"
"Uh;
no, sir."
"Then,
WHAT'S the
PROBLEM?"
(Big sigh.)
(Snaps finger twice,
at water-jug-guy.)
(Waits two seconds.)
(Snarls at water-jug-guy.)
(Gulps down a bunch of
water.)
(Snarls, again.)
(Waves hand.)
(Water-jug-guy hurries
away.)
"Well, uh....
sir....."
"WHAT?
WHAT?
I've got a PRIVATES'
INSPECTION,
next HOUR!
SPIT it OUT!"
"I can't EXPLAIN it, SIR!
He just drives me NUTS!
SEND me to the FRONT LINES!
ANYTHING!
I'm goin' CRAZY!"
(Captain Hornblowicus
turns to his assistant,
who's sitting on the other
side of the table trying
not to pay attention to
the whole conversation.)
"Can you BELIEVE
what I'm HEARING,
Private ANTHONY?"
(Private Anthony
obediantly glances up.)
"Uh;
NO, sir."
"Can you BELIEVE this?"
"Uh;
NO, sir."
(Captain Hornblowicus
vehemently nods. Then,
he snaps his fingers again,
at the water-jug-guy.)
(Takes another gulp.)
(Grimmaces.)
"THIS WATER is AWFUL!
IT TASTES LIKE COW'S MANURE!
GO GET SOME FRESH!"
(Water-jug-guy hurries away.)
"It's so hard to get
good help these days....."
(Captain Hornblowicus
grumbles, and sighs.)
"So, what's this ABOUT,
Second Lieutenant SPUTICUS?
WHAT'S the PROBLEM?
DOES your PRISONER
SNORE in his SLEEP,
or WHAT?"
"Uh;
no, sir."
(Shrug.)
(Laugh!)
"Just SMACK him!"
"Sir,
that doesn't BOTHER
him....."
"Then, SMACK him,
AGAIN!"
(Second Lieutenant
Sputicus grits his big
teeth, in frustration.)
"He's....."
"WHO?"
"This PAUL guy!
PAUL!
Of TARSUS!
My PRISONER!"
(Captain Hornblowicus
nods, now slightly curious.)
(He gives an amused look at
Private Anthony,
who's really pretending,
now,
not to listen while he's
carefully filling out some
records, on a big scroll.)
"Yeah;
go on."
"Well.....he's always....
TALKIN' at me!
It gets on my NERVES!"
(Captain Hornblowicus leans
back, on his Captains' Chair.)
"What's he TALK,
about?"
"That....
that,
GUY......!"
"WHO?"
"That.....
that,
NAZARINE!
The ONE WHO
was CRUCIFIED!
DIED!
And....."
(Second Lieutenant Sputicus
pauses, with squeamish
embarrassment.)
"And....then,
ROSE AGAIN!
He's like,
the SAVIOR of
the...
WORLD!
Who...
died for our
SINS!"
(Captain Hornblowicus
puts both of his
big hands to his
balding temples.)
"Oh....
HIM, again!
WHEN is this gonna
STOP?"
(Second Lieutenant Sputicus
shakes his craggy head,
and has the look of
one who has a big belly ache.)
"I DUNNO,
sir......but,
I gotta get AWAY from
that PAUL guy! He's
got ME startin'
to believe, now....
he's WEARIN'
me, DOWN!"
(Captain Hornblowicus
frowns. He slowly nods.)
"I'm gettin' the GIST
of it, Sputicus."
(Nod.)
"I'll see what I can do."
(Thoughtful squint.)
(Put big fist under bearded
chin.)
(Nod.)
"There's Second Lieutenant
Hardnosicus. He don't
take scrap...
from ANYBODY."
(Second Lieutenant Sputicus
gives a deep sigh, of relief.)
"THANK YOU,
SIR!
THANK YOU!"
"It's at LEAST gonna
be another MONTH,
or two....
ya know,
till we get the SCROLL
signed."
"I UNDERSTAND, SIR!
WHATEVER you can DO!"
(Nod.)
(Frown.)
(Snarl.)
"It's gonna mean,
more PAPER WORK."
"I'm in your DEBT,
SIR!"
(Frown.)
(Absent-minded nod.)
"THANK you, SIR!"
"In the meantime....
just....."
(Shrug.)
"....Just, threaten
to throw his COT,
out the WINDOW....
and, make him sleep on
the FLOOR....."
"He already DOES THAT!
He's got a bad BACK!"
"You got my sympathies,
Sputicus."
"YES, SIR!"
"Oh, and...SPUTICUS?"
"YES, SIR?"
"I'm sending you an extra
relief-guard, starting tomorrow...
you need to be outside,
EXCERCISING, more!"
"YES, SIR!"
"And....STAY away from
that JEWISH food....!"
"I'll TRY, SIR!
I mean,
YES, SIR!"
(Scrowl!)
(Shake head in consternation.)
(Wave hand toward the door.)
"Now, GO!"
"THANK YOU,
sir!
THANK YOU!"
(Snarl.)
(Mumble.)
(Mutter.)
*********************
And,
you shall be
My witnesses
in Jerusalem
and in all Judea
and Samaria
and to the end
of the earth.
[Acts 1:8]
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