Communication
I wrote an article, ‘Acquainted, Not Connected’, in which I mentioned the phrase, ‘It’s complicated’, based on a sermon by Bishop T. D. Jakes. My original plan was to give that article the title, ‘It’s complicated’, but it didn’t quite covey the message within that article. A leader in my life once told me that I was a complicated individual. At the time, I wanted to know why but I didn’t ask in case it appeared insolent. After listening to that teaching I understood why it was said. I had to wait years to get clarity but now I have a better understanding. Today, I’d like to look at that phrase in more depth.
After listening to that message I delved into various areas of my life, beginning with parenting. Yes—It’s complicated. Yet, it has contributed to the person I have become. I looked at my marriage and yes, that too is complicated when we evaluate the external issues that negatively impacts our growth, yet it contributes to the person I have become. If you should ask me about my spiritual journey and the various churches I have been part of, I could easily answer, ‘It’s complicated’. Nevertheless, it has contributed to the person I am today.
I used to see many people on Facebook put their marital status as ‘It’s complicated’. I couldn’t understand the reasoning behind it. I thought to myself, either you’re in a relationship or you’re not. What’s complicated about that? If you are in a relationship you’re with someone. Therefore, your status may either say, ’married’, ‘engaged’ or maybe, ‘in a relationship’. If you’re not in a relationship you are either ‘single’, a ‘widow’, a ‘widower’ or divorced. However, having looked at my situation with mothers and fathers in my life, I too could easily say, ‘It’s complicated’ and that would actually be a valid statement to make.
Why then would I use that term?
Here’s why. Although my birth mother is alive and we speak regularly, we do not see each other on a regular basis and we do not have a mother-daughter relationship. Our relationship is the other way around. I’m the one acting in the role of a mother. It has been that way since childhood but more evident since she gave birth to my youngest sibling 19 years ago. Now that is not something I am willing to explain to anyone who asks. I have to know that the person asking has my best interest at heart before sharing all the intimate details that would help them to understand the relationship I have with my mother. Therefore, I can now see how saying “It’s complicated” could actually make things easier.
My perspective on motherhood:
There are relatives I look to for motherly advice, practical help or simply watching their behaviour and admiring the way they do things. That would put my grandmother, the late Magdalene Olivia Peddie (1919-1999) top of the list. I was born and brought up in the home where she was the mother. Then my aunts would be next in line and some precious souls from my community and the surrounding villages where I was brought up in Jamaica.
I have been a member of a church where the word ‘Mother’ was a title placed before the name of the female equivalent of an elder in the church. Thinking about mothers, I would naturally think about their role in my life. I also had older ladies play a motherly role in my life growing up and I still have some key ladies in my life today, whom I turn to for advice or who provide me with a comforting hug or word of advice when I need one or the other or both. When I think of mothers I also think of them.
Already it’s getting complicated and that isn’t half the story. So I am now getting an idea why people use the term ‘complicated’ regarding their marital status. I can see that outside of ‘Married’, ‘Single’, ‘Widowed’ or ‘Divorced’ there can be many variations in this ‘complicated’, ‘broken’, ‘morally upside-down’ and ‘politically correct’ world that we live in today.
My personal thoughts (analysis) on the phrase ‘It’s Complicated’:
I’ve done some analysis and came up with the following reasons why ‘It’s complicated’ might seem an attractive option when required to share on less favourable topics:
My first thought was that it helps the person asking the question to understand that it may be a delicate area, one that the person may not be ready to share. I thought about this reason when I got an ‘It’s complicated’ response after asking a spinster who is engaged about her wedding date. By then I had become a ‘tough cookie’ so I took it with a smile. Then I started praying that God would help them get through whatever their relationship was facing. I realised then that healing had taken place in another area of my life as previously I would have felt slightly or strongly rejected depending on who was responding.
Another reason I would see it as an appropriate response is that it avoids the individual going to a place of hurt and pain at an inappropriate point in a conversation or activity. It avoids sharing with someone who may feel uncomfortable hearing such intimate details or may not know how to respond once they hear. That’s what happened to me and my mother-in-law just over a decade ago. If I had this knowledge then, I think my mother-in-law would have preferred an ‘It’s complicated’ response when she asked me, how my mother and Janel (my youngest sister) were doing. Nevertheless, I would have thought it rude to respond that way to anyone. Therefore my ‘old-fashioned’ values would not have allowed me to respond that way to my mother-in-law.
It was an awkward moment for both of us. My mother and sister weren’t ‘fine’ and a decade later they still aren’t, so it would have been a lie then as it would be today to say that they were. I had to respond. So, instead of risking being seen as rude, I used it as an open door for a meaningful conversation as we had not yet had one up to that point. That was a mistake on my part. I only made it half-way through my first sentence before it was clearly understood that she did not want to engage in such a conversation or allow me to share my heart. I can never understand why people ask open ended questions when they do not want to know the answer. I really wanted it to be an opportunity to share my heart with my other mother, an avenue to develop and strengthen our relationship but it wasn’t to be. I felt so rejected that day that it took courage to hold back the tears.
I was able to force a smile for my husband and our 2 year old son when they kicked the ‘Thomas Tank Engine’ ball my way. If I could rewind the time, I would have said something similar to, ‘It’s complicated,’ then followed through by helping her to understand why I couldn’t fully explain. I would then proceed with a smile and carry on with pleasantries. I felt at the time there ought to have been a fast forward button to get me to the end of that day. But it was an experience that added to the person I am today. I am stronger than I was before because I am learning from my mistakes and using them to help others avoid making the same mistakes.
Even though I strongly believed that it was a missed opportunity to develop our relationship, I am really sorry to have put my mother-in-law in such an awkward position. I am now grown from that place of naivety and hope that my loss can be someone’s gain (through my sharing) today.
So, what have I learned from this topic?
If you are the person wanting to share your heart and depending on who the person is, you could either:
- Respond with an appropriate version of ‘It’s complicated’ and then elaborate with a very brief description;
- Respond by sharing your heart with a view to gaining advice or a listening ear from that person;
If you are the one asking the question: “How are you…or How is [name of person] doing?”
- Expect a brief response of “I’m fine…they’re fine…etc.”
- Expect a response which you may not have thought you would hear. That person may be seeking advice or a listening ear. It’s important you do not dismiss them if you want to make a positive difference in their life.
I may not be the only one thinking along this path so hopefully, my sharing will help someone.
Your sister in Christ,
Janice S Ramkissoon
6th May 2015.
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