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TITLE: They Find Ways | Previous Challenge Entry
By Anne Warden
08/25/24
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Many years ago, at an AL-ANON meeting, a man shared that his family had attended their church for over ten years. But, when he and his wife were getting divorced, the entire congregation shunned him. In tears, he admitted that no one visited with him anymore. No one called to ask how he was doing, in the midst of his pain. No one offered to pray with him or for him. Not one single person who had called him “friend” and “brother” was there for him.

He was obviously suffering as much grief at the sudden withdrawal of spiritual and emotional support, in a time when he needed it most, as he was over his impending divorce. This from a “place of refuge.”

Listening to the man’s story was heartbreaking. Yet, I have found much is heartbreaking in churches.

A couple moved to a new town and found a local church. They were welcomed warmly. Later, the pastor discovered they could play instruments and sing, so he told the worship leader, “They can help you.” To which he enthusiastically replied, “Welcome to the team!”

Soon it became evident that one older woman, the pianist, was addicted to attention. As with other addictions, it leaves no room for sharing her “drug.” The addict must have it ALL.

This woman sabotaged others by deliberately messing up her own playing, in a manner which appeared it was someone else’s mistake. Or she’d divert from what was practiced and take off on her own, leaving both the worship team and congregation to make smattering attempts to follow her. She threw veiled slurs at the musicians, no doubt hoping they’d get frustrated and leave. Especially those who had received compliments from the congregation. And during practices, she randomly quipped, “I COULD handle worship alone. IF I had to.”

After several months, when confronted by the “new” couple, at first she denied her behavior. Then her tone turned cold, her insult open and harsh.

Failing to make headway with her, the issue was taken to the pastor, who was a longstanding friend of hers. He said, “I’m not going to talk to her about it.”

“Why not?”

“Because worship teams always fight.”

To which the man replied, “I disagree. That’s not God’s way. When there’s fighting on the platform, we cannot effectively lead the congregation in worship. And it’s pretending a lie before God. This needs to be resolved. However, if she truly repents, she must stop her fighting, and prove her repentance by voluntarily stepping down for a while.”

Just two weeks later, while the couple was still seeking God’s direction in handling the situation, the pastor commissioned a known volatile attendee to return their music equipment to them. His pointed meaning? “They are not welcome here!” And the attendee gladly obliged, in his volatile manner. Then it was announced the couple had left, of their own accord.

The man and his wife had made close friends with two other couples, who had claimed, “We’re hanging onto you. You’ll always be family.” They became six who often met during the week for coffee, dinner or holiday parties. Suddenly, one couple dropped them completely.

The other wife, who had shared deep common interests with the “new” woman, continued intermittent texts, but dinners and coffee stopped. With the abandonment came excuses – actually, lies. Over time, even her texts became stale and dry. Before, with every conversation, the two women had “dined” companionably at the King’s table, sharing “meat and bread and wine.” Now, her texts were mere crumbs off the floor.

And the rest of the congregation? No one called. No one visited. No one offered to pray with or for the couple. Not even the worship leader.

But we shouldn’t be surprised.

Church culture of yesterday was to embrace all who entered and, when they were hurt over wrongs done, to work diligently at resolving the issues. It exhibited godly love, understanding that conflicts will arise, and both parties need support.

Sadly, today’s church is often for the “Me!” in charge. Congregants with leadership qualities and those who set standards by Scripture are pushed out, labeled “Risks!” Conflict is too much work to resolve. And right or wrong, of parties in conflict, those who get to stay are the ones who put the most into the offering plate.

So, which is worse? Physical persecution from the world? Or emotional persecution from within the church – the “place of refuge?”

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