Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Hear / Here (01/26/23)
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TITLE: Discernable | Previous Challenge Entry
By Laurie Bahlke
02/02/23 -
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Two months before my mother passed away, she left a voicemail on my phone inquiring where my husband and I had ventured off to. It was our anniversary and we had taken a road trip to the western side of Michigan, the early September warmth reminding us that summer had not yet officially passed. I listened to the voicemail once while traveling in the car and once on our return home. I saved the message because it made me smile. The pitch and melody in her voice were soothing and joyful as she said, “I sure wonder where you two are but hope you’re having a good time.” Less than six weeks later, she was hospitalized with sepsis and three weeks after that, she died of acute respiratory distress. I had listened and re-listened to that message so many times over the course of twenty-six months, that I could hear it in my head as if the message had been recorded there rather than on the phone. To hear her voice softened the wounds that both her absence and grief had created.
January 19, 2023: My phone is not taking a charge and the only sign of life is the occasional scurry of frenzied lines on a black screen. “Just one more thing to go wrong,” I mumble. I close my journal. I am tired.
January 20, 2023: The bad news, is that my phone can’t be fixed. I thank the technician for his time and as I leave the store, it hits me that I have lost the voicemail. “Did you move it to the cloud?” the technician had asked. This made me chuckle. The answer: “of course not.” Later that night, in a bit of a panic, I cry myself to sleep.
January 22, 2023: New phone. Must reload all contacts and start again, minus voicemail. I miss the sound of her voice and realize that in a way, it’s like losing her all over again- traumatic, emotional, draining.
January 28, 2023: I am tired and cannot decide if I am truly fatigued or apathetic. Three self-help quizzes later and it’s clear, I am tired. I wonder if this is grief lingering, the bone marrow biopsy, or the fact that my hair needs coloring. I reach for my cellphone and check the missed calls and voice messages of which, there are eleven from the past three days. I start at the top and begin to delete the numbers and messages of the physician, hematologist, and radiology clinic. Near the bottom of the list, a message from September 16, 2020, appears. I am puzzled but quickly realize the date precedes mom’s death. I hit play and slowly raise the phone to my ear. “Hi, honey. Just calling to check on you. I still worry about you. I hope you are feeling better. God bless you. We love you.” I can sense that my husband has been watching me and as my eyes rise to meet his, he asks, “Is it your mom?” I am crying as I nod my head excitedly.
This is the goodness of God! My heart’s wish was to hear her voice again and when I thought it was lost, God restored it. The familiar sound of my mother’s voice checking in on me brought a sense of calm, just as the sound of her heartbeat likely did when I was in her pregnant belly. I cannot explain how one message was lost and another took its place; how one day, the message wasn’t there and the next day, it was. What I do know, is that sadness was turned to joy and that it was the hand of God at work.
Today: I am thankful to my Heavenly Father who restores all things and who is rich in compassion and love. And mom, here at this moment, I am feeling better because I’ve heard your voice again.
“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (NIV 1 Peter 5:10)
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