Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: FALSE (04/15/21)
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TITLE: Unicorns, Mermaids and the Perfect Church | Previous Challenge Entry
By Stephen Kimball
04/22/21 -
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As Wanda readies herself for church she muses aloud to her husband, “I wonder if this will be the perfect church? I’ve got a good feeling!”
After years of church hopping, 33-year-old Wanda was anxious about this new one they were trying out today. She had found it on the internet, so while details were a bit sketchy, she hoped of finding a welcoming church body that would be all she ever dreamed it should be: A real “judgment-free” zone. A place where she could feel warm and cozy and safe. A place full of genuine Christians, absent of the hypocrisy that so plagues The Church today. People who would become true and loyal friends who would never gossip, lie, backbite, or hurt her feelings in any other way and who would also be excited about the opportunity to attend her Pampered Chef parties.
She always made the effort to present the very best first impression possible. She wanted everybody to see how happily married she was and how clean and well behaved her children were…and that was mostly true, she thought. Dressing up was a must – but, of course, it couldn’t be overly dressy. Pretense was Wanda’s pet peeve, which was often the kiss of death for the church’s they visited.
Wanda firmly believed in proper church etiquette. That it was up to the members to take the initiative and greet her and her family. So, upon entering the sanctuary, they would quietly take their seats and wait. If nobody made an effort, that was a clear sign. Equally offensive was the over-aggressive nosies who would dive right in, asking about their jobs and such – clearly, ulterior motives at play. There was a good balance to be had between not enough interest and over interest, and Wanda knew when it was just the right amount.
After the service, Wanda, with her mostly dedicated husband as the sounding board, would discuss how they felt about the church and if they thought it worthy to return. The music had to be acceptable, of course. One wouldn’t want too steady a diet of old hymns or a choir or anything like that. And god forbid the worship leader has tattoos like the last place they went. After the hurdle of the welcome mat test and the music test came the teaching test. After all, Wanda always stated that the teaching was the most important aspect of a good church.
In order to make the decision to settle in at a church, the teaching must make her feel good about herself and give her positive vibes about god, who is there to comfort and protect and prosper. Not at all like the last one they attended that was constantly pushing to give, give, give and serve, serve, serve! Since time and money are such rare commodities in her life, she’s looking for a god who places great weight on church attendance. A god who has agreed to let her into heaven one day, despite all her faults because he is a loving god. Of course, it doesn’t hurt if they have a really attractive children’s program.
As she stares into the mirror one last time to touch up her make-up, beautiful Olivia comes bounding into the room, followed soon after by her younger brother. She tops off her daughter’s pretty pink dress with the perfect matching headband and straightens little Bowyer’s bow tie while going over the rules for the morning. Rules the kids could recite by memory by now if tested.
A few minutes later, they all pile into their new Highlander (she thought the hybrid was the best choice to showcase her true desire to save the world) and head out. On their way, as they pass a large church that they are unfamiliar with, Wanda’s attention is drawn to the impressive digital sign on the lawn.
“Look honey, ‘ALL ARE WELCOME’, I think we’ll have to give that one a try next.”
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