Mine! | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Mine! | Previous Challenge Entry
By Linda Lawrence
02/03/21
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More than a year had passed since my husband’s death but I still had recurring bouts of regret that I had not loved him as well as I should have. I remembered my irritation and disappointment that he was not more like Jesus. Of course my expectations were unrealistic. I, too, fall far short of being like Jesus but I somehow expected my husband to be more Christ-like. Poor man—to be constantly compared with Jesus? There was no way he could succeed in gaining the respect he desired from his wife.

These memories came flooding back while reading My Utmost for His Highest during my morning devotions. Part of the text was Jesus’ words to His father, referring to His followers: “They were in the world but You gave them to Me.” What I read next led me down an unexpected zig-zag path to freedom from guilt and regret.

Jesus said to his followers, "If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple." Oswald Chambers wrote: “He was not saying that this person cannot be good and upright, but that he cannot be someone over whom Jesus can write the word Mine.” That one sentence from Chambers tuned my ears to hear Jesus’ hard words given in a tender, pleading tone of voice.

I suddenly sensed Jesus whispering to me that He was pleased that I love Him most of all. That only in comparison to my love for Him, was my love for my husband considered less than whole-hearted commitment. I always felt guilty for not feeling love for my husband and children like I love Jesus. A new awareness overwhelmed me; it was because I never belonged to them, but I belong to my Lord. I wear a ring etched with I am my Beloved’s and He is mine. My spirit knew this long before I realized it.

The lack in my “love” for my family is not disturbing to Jesus like it is to me, because He knows I’ve given my heart to Him! Peace quietly washed away my guilty feelings. Thank you, Lord.

Not wanting this epiphany to fade before I recorded its wonder, I grabbed my journal and wrote as fast as I could. Suddenly, I remembered it was Sunday morning and looked at the clock and gasped. Church started in half an hour and I wasn’t even dressed. I quickly jotted down: I hate to leave this place where you are meeting with me, Lord, but I’ve got to get to church.

I dashed to get dressed and arrived at church in time for the sermon. To my amazement, the pastor repeated what the Lord had told me—just using different words. He introduced Augustine’s phraseology, “disordered love,” referring to loves or priorities that are out of order.

I’d never heard love defined as priority before, but it made perfect sense to me. God was affirming to me what I understood Him to say earlier—He knows I love Him more than I love my husband or my children or grandchildren or mother and father. I do love them, but they do not have first place in my heart. The Lord has assured me He sees my heart and I can rest in being one of His beloved followers—still learning, still stumbling—but He claims me as His. This is my peace and my joy.

John 17:6; Luke 14:26; Song of Songs 2:16

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