Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Think (09/02/10)
- TITLE: Fixing My Thoughts
By Melanie Kerr
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Sometimes I think about Harvey and me. Why us? Harvey with his lethal cocktail of genes, diagnosed with cancer six months ago. I think about all the cigarettes he didn’t smoke, the calorie ridden diet he didn’t eat, the couch potato lifestyle he didn’t live. And I think it’s not fair.
Sometimes I think about the hospital rooms. The smell of disinfectant clings to my hair and my clothes, and sets me apart from other people. I think about the way the doctors and nurses look at me and I hear them whisper, “Poor love.”
Sometimes I think about what happens after Harvey has gone. I will have to sort out his clothes and pack them off to a charity shop. I think about my mum who left it all to friends and family to sort out my dad’s things when he died. Like scavengers they took so much and left so little.
Sometimes I think about the funeral. Harvey doesn’t want to talk about it, but arrangements must be made. I have talked to Bob. He was the best man at our wedding and has agreed to be my best man at the funeral. He knows the kind of things Harvey liked. I shall tell people not to wear black, but I know what people are like. I worry about crying. How strong do I have to be?
Sometimes I think about my heart and the weight of sorrow upon it. There will come a day when it breaks.
Sometimes I think about other people and how Harvey’s death will mean nothing to them. Sleeping and waking, eating and working, resting and playing - the world will not stop turning.
Sometimes I think what if this was just a Bobby Ewing moment? Perhaps I will step out the shower to realise that it was all just an unpleasant dream.
Sometimes I think that I ought to be brave. I have these extra resources given by God and I should have a handle on all of these trials. I remind myself that although I am loosing Harvey, it’s just for a little while, not forever.
Sometimes I think that I haven’t pray enough. Yes, I hold his hand as he lies in the hospital bed but I don’t rebuke the cancer cells the way some other person might do. I watch the flesh fall from his bones and I worry I am just standing by and letting it happen.
So it came as a balm to my heart this morning as I read the words from Hebrews 3:1 - “Fix your thoughts on Jesus..”
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