The Official Writing Challenge
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This was very intense - great description. One thing caught my eye - there are no identifying marks as to "who" and "where" except the word "carcel" which indicates a spanish gang. But unless your reader knows at least what language that word comes from, they might not clue in - and perhaps you don't necessarily want them to. All that to say that simply saying "jail" would be fine. Good job.
I think this is a great story written very well! You carried us along with atmosphere and dialogue. Good job!
Excellent job of using the present tense & action sentences!
A master at work here. slowly pulling us in with a hint of shadows, making us stretch for imagined past. Desiring to know what is yet to come. Who is Mia and does she finally believe, why DID the officer come, why did Jordan leave without a trace.. The build up of a good story.. Great job of drawing us in.
This was so well written. It is a very moving story, and left me wanting to read it over and over. Well done!
Thanks for sharing.
You tell a nice story. Good job. I enjoyed the pace of the piece. Its intensity was only matched by the craft of the writer. God bless.
There were a couple of spots where I wasn't exactly sure what was happening. But it was certainly very intense and descriptive.
I don't know why you aren't happy with it - I thought it was fabulous on all accounts. Ditto everyone's kudos. I didn't know what "carcel" meant before reading the story, but I immediately figured it out from the context. Good, no EXCELLENT job!
Very vivid imagery. Loved the ending, too.
Wow! I love the POV used in your story, and your vivid tale of ultimate sacrifice. I'm guessing you meant to say "wandering" instead of "wondering" early in the story. Small mistake in such a great piece!
Intense is an understatement. Wow! I'm speachless. Great job Amy!
Sorry Amy! I missed that typo! OOPs! :)

Great story. I think its good too. You are too hard on yourself.

My only hesitation was the ending, but it works well.
What a thriller! Dramatic and intense. The blood is...shocking...your ending is powerful:

I stayed because someone bled for me once. His voice is faint. I want to give you the same chance I was given. Thats all. A chance to get away from this. He points a pale hand toward the symbols on the walls. A chance for new life.
Amy, my dear, you are an enigma. I have NO CLUE how you come up with some stuff. This is so powerful; you had me in tears at the end! Congrats on the placement! You deserve it!
Yuck - and yet wow. Congratulations, Amy. You've done well ... again!
Wow Amy, what a great, fast compact and vivid read. Leaves me breathless and wanting more. Yeggy
Great! I think the first POV is right-on, if you can sign that. Excellent writing, and it may be a bit dark but it wouldn't be the same if it weren't. Excellent writing! ^_^
This is truly amazing!