Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: NEIGHBOR (06/01/17)
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TITLE: Burning Treasures | Previous Challenge Entry
By Tonya Stevenson
06/08/17 -
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“Okay Dad.” I bound down the hall to our bedrooms. I grabbed us both a change of clothes, Dad’s emergency cash, and as I rush down the hall I pluck the framed pictures of my parents wedding, my mother, and a few others. In the living room I grab our laptops, checkbooks and Bibles. Loaded to the gills, I carry all to the pickup.
Returning to the house I turn on the yard sprinklers, but our yard is small, will it really help? I grab a hose and begin spraying the roof and sides of the house watching the time on my cell phone.
Five minutes … what about the barn, the horses and cows? Throwing down the hose, I run to the corrals flinging the gates to let the horses out. I hesitate at Buster’s pen, the stud is my Dad’s dream horse, but I can’t turn a stud loose with a herd of horses, can I?
Dad had said it should miss us. I better not chance it. “Time’s up, I got to go.” I run for the pickup, our two dogs running with me.
I detour to open the gates out of the cows pasture. As I barrel for Watters, I realize I am panting profusely and am thankful for the five miles to catch my breath.
My dad is just stepping out of the tractor when I drive into the yard.
Darrel Watters sprints across the yard. “What you doing here, Mark? You have your place to care for.”
“Fire should miss my place, figured you could use some help.”
“Thanks Mark. Jump in that tractor and follow me. We’ll try to cut a break between us and the fire. Megan, take a four wheeler and help Chance drive the livestock into the wheat fields.”
Chance almost had the cattle to the gate but they were flighty, making it difficult to push them through. A wall of choking smoke is upon us. Desperation overrules common sense as we gas it to the house.
I can see the fear in Chances eyes as he grabs my hand, “I’ve got to go help our Dad’s. Pray Meg.” He quickly leans over kissing my cheek before jumping into another tractor.
For an instant, with tears stinging my eyes, I watch Chance go, “God please, please, protect them.”
Camille hands me the hose she is spraying the house with and bolts for another.
I can barely discern the tractors through the putrid smoke … the hose quits running. Camille screams … My eyes glue to where the tractors vanish into a billowing mountain of black and red. Falling on my knees I cry repeatedly “Father, save them.”
Camille drops beside me clutching my shoulders.
The roaring winds turn sweeping the suffocating smoke northward. Three tractors emerge.
“Thank you, Lord.” We both scream into the roar.
As the thick black smoke sweeps pass the wheat fields I realize - it is on a direct course for our home. Nothing anyone can do now but watch. We cluster in the yard.
“Mark, Please let Chance and I go and do what needs done,” Darrell pleads.
Dad relents. We do what chores we can to the ominous sound of distant gun fire.
When Darrel and Chance return, their anguished blackened faces speak more than words, “It’s all gone. I’m so sorry.”
“The livestock?” Dad asks.
“We had to shoot the smoldering remains of fifty-plus head, hard to tell what was what? God let you lose everything … after you saved our place.”
“Darrel, you know, as well as I, that if God had not turned that inferno we’d all be smoldering charcoal. He saved our lives, will he not provide for us.”
Darrel shuttered visibly, “I wish I had your faith.”
“You can man – right now! Can I tell you about your Savior?”
“I’m ready.” Darrel nods.
“About time,” Chance whispers to me.
Earthly treasures all burn, but God comforts with eternal treasures.
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I noticed some minor things that would be easy to fix. First, there are times in the narration where you slip into past tense. It's usually quick and you go back to present soon. I find present tense more difficult to write in, so you really did great.
The dialog didn't feel entirely appropriate. Instead, you may want short choppy sentences to fit the pacing. For example, I might try something like this:
As I do my homework, Dad bursts through the door. "Meg! Hurry! Bad fire is headed right towards the Watters' farm. (Originally I thought Watters was name of town.) Wind's blowing so hard we have maybe an hour. Pray it shifts south. I've gotta get the tractor and go help. You grab some things and meet me there in the pickup. Meg, I'm serious, move fast. No more than ten minutes!"
I hope that shows you kind of what I mean. Also, I like how you show her thoughts too. If you put them in italics, it will emphasize that they are thoughts.
Your ending was great. I like that you didn't pick a happy ending, but instead showed how God helps us through even the worst of times. Congratulations again!