Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Australia or New Zealand (01/15/09)
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TITLE: Just Another Day | Previous Challenge Entry
By Eliza Evans
01/22/09 -
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Take my hands, Australia
Write your own story for
who can make sense of you?
A world within a world
A riddle within reality
Take my eyes, Australia for
who can see through your mask of mystery?
alien animals, ancient lands, lore and legend
Take my ears, Australia
and fill them
with those sweet conversations
spoken with such charm, rhythm and rapport
Take my feet, Australia
Walk me through the silent green gardens
The fullness of ferns and forest
Let me dip my toes in the sand
of the vast desert sea
And feel the pulse and purpose of those
who love that veiled and brittle place
Take my mouth, Australia
for who dares to speak of your
underwater galaxies?
where mother nature lost her mind
in ribbons of coral
throbbing with fish
flaunting endless design and color
Take me - yes me -
to the edge of a long afternoon, Australia
just as the Sun is spilling itself into the ocean
splashing sky, sand, sea and surfer
with the red wine of fiery afterlight
And, you take my breath away! You take my breath away!
But, you know... It's just another day in
Australia
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The last three lines sort of changed the mood for me, and I almost think it'd be stronger without them, and with a different title, more in keeping with the wonderful, wonderful images in the body of the poem.
"...where mother nature lost her mind
in ribbons of coral
throbbing with fish
flaunting endless design and color..."
Just beautiful. I agree that the last lines don't seem to fit...they reminded me of a tourism commercial. Otherwise, a lovely poem!
to the edge of a long afternoon, Australia
just as the Sun is spilling itself into the ocean
splashing sky, sand, sea and surfer
with the red wine of fiery afterlight…" Wow!
I agree that the tone changed at the end. How about "Just another day....in Australia" as a substitute for the last three lines? That keeps it congruent with the title.
Nicely done! You are obviously a talented writer.
Write on! <>< Trina
I would like to say, while I can absolutely agree that the last 3 lines are maybe not the best, :) I don't agree that it would be fine to just leave them off.
I think the poem would feel abrupt and unfinished.
If I read it like that, I can see myself looking on the other side of the page, or scrolling down for the "rest" of it. ;)
It (and any poem) needs an ending, a conclusion of some kind... in my opinion.
Thank you again ((((everybody!)))) :)
Get a better title .. lose the last 3 lines etc.
:D