The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/27/17
Great way to present the topic. Well done!

Blessings~
This is really a hoot. I hung onto every word. My only advice would be to tweak the dialog a bit. A good lesson is to record a few conversations (with permission of course) and really listen to the nuances of each person's speech. Incorporate some slang, contractions and incomplete sentences and you'll nail it in no time. I think you did a great job of making the story central to the topic. I truly enjoyed it.
Another tiny thing I noticed too is you switched tenses. The opening paragraph is present tense, but then you slip into past tense. The dialog would still be present tense, but the narrative should be consistent. You still did a great job though.
I apologize. I should have reread it all again. You only switched to past tense in that one line The text said. Writing in the present tense can be quite difficult. I think you did well with it.