The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/09/14
Great job with the topic in this entertaining story.

Well done.

God bless~
08/10/14
Unless you have taught, substituted, or volunteered in a classroom, you would not appreciate this story as much.

Well written.

I am a retired principal and you, from your insightful description of students behavior, must have been, or are a teacher.

My last year as a principal I had three bomb threats and had to evacuate 400 young students. I get your story.

Thanks, I think. You brought back some buried memories. Ha!
08/10/14
I forgot to add the one critique that might be helpful. The hook was a little weak for me. I kind of figured out from your title where you were going, but your opening was a little hazy and just didn't grab me. Great story though.
This is a beautiful picture of life in school today. You did a wonderful job of setting the scene and atmosphere. It compelled me to read on.

I noticed little things like no hyphen in twenty-eight. Also, I'd urge you to consider using both an exclamation point and a question mark together. Most publishers would frown upon it, not to mention you do such a brilliant job of picking just the right words that do the exclaiming for you and making the exclamation point unnecessary.

I think this is a creative and fresh take on the topic. It made me smile at the end. I truly enjoyed every word of this and think it's a delightful read, sprinkled with vivid pictures throughout it all.
I want to tell everyone about a wonderful tool that FW offers free to all members. It's called Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards and is full of wisdom that helps all levels of writers. Jan responds to every post, so if you haven't checked it out or participated recently, I'd urge you to do so. She recently did a thread on showing and telling,
Congratulations on ranking 7th in your level. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.