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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: FRESH (04/29/21)
The stairs creaked under the weight of David’s steel-toed boots. Fear built in Rachel’s body which shook each time he came home. Knots formed in her stomach as she wondered what was next. She pushed the tattered suitcase under the bed not a second too soon.

“Hi, David. How was your day?” a forced smile forming on her face.

David didn’t answer. Rachel hurried past him as he grabbed her arm. ‘Dear Heavenly Father, please be with me’ she prayed as she fought her way through the open door. At the top of the stairs, the base of her neck felt the strength of his hand.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked with his beer-soaked breath permeating the air.

“I’m, I’m going to get dinner on – on the table,” she replied as she sent up another plea to her Heavenly Father.

“Well, if it’s anything like the slop you usually make, count me out.” He followed her down the stairs, his hand now firmly between her shoulder blades.

Rachel timidly entered their galley kitchen. She grabbed her apron from its hook and tied it around her svelte body. She was no match for her muscle-built husband who was only a step behind her. She sent up yet another prayer.

The abuse all started a year prior. Work had halted in the Data Entry Department for which she was Supervisor. Until the glitch in the computers was repaired, there was no work. A Pastor’s wife she recently hired started talking to her about Jesus. Her world as she had known it for the past twenty-five years was instantly changed. Little did she know just how much.

That evening, she shared her news. With eyes that pierced hers, David thrust his fists down on the nearby dining room table. “That’s fine, but it better not change the dynamics of our marriage.” He stomped out of the room.

“I HATE YOU BEING A CHRISTIAN,” Rachel heard frequently as she slipped out the front door to attend church services.

Rachel snapped back to reality and warmed the pork chops in the microwave. She turned only to find David in her face.

“Excuse me. I need to put these on the table.” Rachel pushed past her persistent husband.

“I told you I didn’t want that slop!” Stumbling his way into the living room, he plopped his big frame into the recliner as Rachel started refrigerating dinner. She had lost her appetite at the first whiff of David’s beer breath.

Her spirit crushed, she hung up her apron and stepped quietly into the living room. The roar of David’s snoring was welcomed. Now was her chance. She couldn’t risk another night of his ongoing outbursts of anger.

Rachel slipped past the recliner and made her way up the carpet-covered stairs. She carefully pulled the packed suitcase out from under the bed. Thinking ahead, she had oiled the squeaky hinge of the French doors out to the small deck off their master bedroom. Keys in her pocket, suitcase in hand, and purse over her shoulder, she slowly turned the knob on the door.

The hour drive seemed like an eternity, but she knew she would be safe there. Her dad had warned David that if he came on his property uninvited, he would call the police.

Weeks passed as David agonized over his loss, alcohol his constant companion. Life without Rachel was unbearable.

As the family cat scooted off Rachel’s lap one lazy afternoon, she reached for her ringing cell phone. The screen read David. Three rings later and heart pounding, she answered.

“H-e-l-l-o.”

“Rachel, please don’t hang up. I need you to listen to me. Someone just came to our door and talked to me about Jesus. I am free. I’ve been given a fresh start. I know I don’t deserve it, but will you do the same for me? For us?”

In between uncontrollable sobs and with renewed hope, Rachel answered, “I can be home in an hour.” As she packed her things, she sent up another prayer thanking God for his love and answered prayers.
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This article has been read 273 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/07/21
This has a great foundation. Abuse and alcoholism is everywhere and in every type of home. It's important to bring attention to it. You did a nice job of showing the anxiety and fear in the beginning. You pulled me in quickly with the conflict and held me by building the suspense. Your dialog tags could use some polishing. For example instead of a tagline, use a narrative sentence: She forced herself to smile. Also be careful of POV shifts. You slipped into the husband's head at end. Those are little things though. The ending felt a bit too sudden for me. It's tempting to wrap things into a bow and have a happy ending. I loved how you showed she prayed often. And God does answer prayers, but it's still important to be cautious before taking an abuser back. For me, the ending might have been more powerful if she had said a prayer thanking God for leading him to Jesus, but also asking for wisdom, strength, and patience to make sure going back to him was God's will. Overall, I think you told an important story. You did an excellent job of getting into the MC's mindset and developing her personality. You have good transitions and this is well-written. You've done a great job.
Marlene Custer 
05/12/21
You told a sad story well. I agree that the ending was a bit abrupt. Keep writing!
Holly Westefeld
05/12/21
The tension/conflict draw me in right away.
You could tighten things up, leaving yourself words for telling more of the story, with more showing, less telling. Last I knew,Jan's classes were still on the forum, and I'm sure there is one going over that, but here is a quick example.
"The stairs creaked under the weight of David’s steel-toed boots. Fear built in Rachel’s body which shook each time he came home. Knots formed in her stomach as she wondered what was next. She pushed the tattered suitcase under the bed not a second too soon."

"The stairs creaked under David’s steel-toed boots. Rachel's stomach clinched, then did a somersault. With trembling hands, she pushed the tattered suitcase under the bed not a second too soon."

It did not ring realistic to me that she would have dared push past her husband.
I find myself wondering if he had been a functional alcoholic prior to her conversion, or if that was his response to her faith, as the abuse seems to be.
One of the hardest parts of writing is to not presume that the reader knows everyting you know about your characters, to ask oneself, "Is there anything I might not understand if I was reading this for the first time without having the author's inside knowledge?"

I alwys love a feline appearance in a story.
Janice Aylor
05/23/21
Your story was well written. I agree with others who said your ending was a little too sudden.

Perhaps you could have him come over to Rachel's parents' place for a few hours so the two of them could talk and perhaps start to see if things could be worked out, with her father's permission, of course!

Overall, a great story.
Bea Edwards 
06/01/21
I appreciated your tale of God's faithful answer to prayer, when all looked lost.

Thank you for a hopeful ending. As we walk by faith, sometimes it doesn't look promising but God is working all things for good and your story demonstrated an example of tough love turned to redemption.