The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/16/21
An interesting story, but it would flow more smoothly with pronouns to avoid too frequent use of Bryan's name.
You have also mixed past and present tense in some paragraphs, which can also be a little confusing.
Your intro is arresting and topical, as the pandemic is on everyone's mind, but you have set your ending for three years before the pandemic arrived, which unfortunately adds to the confusion.
04/16/21
An interesting story, but it would flow more smoothly with pronouns to avoid too frequent use of Bryan's name.
You have also mixed past and present tense in some paragraphs, which can also be a little confusing.
Your intro is arresting and topical, as the pandemic is on everyone's mind, but you have set your ending for three years before the pandemic arrived, which unfortunately adds to the confusion.
04/16/21
An interesting story, but it would flow more smoothly with pronouns to avoid too frequent use of Bryan's name.
You have also mixed past and present tense in some paragraphs, which can also be a little confusing.
Your intro is arresting and topical, as the pandemic is on everyone's mind, but you have set your ending for three years before the pandemic arrived, which unfortunately adds to the confusion.
04/16/21
I'm sorry to appear heavy-handed, but my laptop did not register my first two attempts to send.
04/18/21
A heartfelt story of God's grace and a man obedient to God's voice. I read past the few mistakes; thank you for sharing.
You have a great idea for a story here that everyone can relate to. I don't think you need all the backstory though. Slip the pertinent parts in among the story and work on showing with dialog, body language, and thoughts. You did a good job of writing on topic. You also have a great message. Keep writing. You have some wonderful ideas and I look forward to reading more of your work.