Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: WOUND (11/26/20)
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TITLE: Undercover Testimony | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jennifer Champion
12/01/20 -
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I did it.
Then, I buried the wretched phone under my pillow.
Burrowing even deeper into my bed, I close my eyes and try to go back to the dream I was having before the alarm woke me up. It wasn’t even a good dream, so I don’t know why I want to go back to it. It was horrible actually and made me wake up crying. I hate it when that happens. I hate when I dream these types of dreams.
This one took me back thirteen years ago to the woman I used to be. In the dream, I was standing in the kitchen of my old house, wearing that turquoise dress that got me into trouble. I was married. I had no business going to a bar and I sure had no business wearing that dress to it. In the dream, I was reliving the event that happened in that same yellow kitchen all those years ago. My husband was a drug addict but even he didn’t deserve me. He deserved the woman he married only twelve years before that meant the things she said in her vows. He didn’t know about all the times I had cheated on him during those years. He thought that night when I stumbled in drunk wearing the dress that it was the only time.
I rehash that night over and over as I try to bury myself even deeper into the mattress. My bedsheet is wet with tears and snot. I hate her. By her, I mean me. I lie in bed playing the game that people like me play. It’s called the What-If Game. What if I hadn’t gone out that night? What if I hadn’t owned up to it at all? The sad thing is that I know the answers. I know me. I know that God knows me. He knows me better than anyone else and he knew on that night thirteen years ago, I needed to get caught.
God broke me. The following five years after that night are filled with so much tragedy and fear that I hope I don’t dream about it later. My then ex-husband died tragically, and I never got to say I was sorry for cheating on him and for leaving him. I remarried too quickly, and those years were wrought with verbal and physical abuse from my new husband. It was during those years though that God not only broke me but taught me to trust him. He heard my tears then and he hears them now. He knows the hurts deep inside. He knows the hurts that no one else knows.
After lying in bed for twenty more minutes crying and trying to breath, I sling the covers back. The room is cold, and I can’t breathe. I get the phone hidden from under my pillow and open it to see the date and time. Today is a new day. I know I am forgiven but sometimes God wants to remind me how far I have come. Today I was reminded of his grace and how time softens the hurts that you feel like may never heal.
Author's Note: This is a true event that happened in my life.
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Keep up the good work.
tighten the writing. Less passive verb use. Take the reader into the past as if it is the present - because you are reliving it as the present. SHOW the reader your shame, your husband's shock, etc., through vivid dialogue. Pull the reader into the kitchen scene because that is the crux of the story. As an ending, SHOW how you know God forgave you. SHOW that pivotal moment, verse, revelation, etc.
This article shows great promise! Congratulations
Even though this is spectacular, you could knock it up to an even higher level with some minor tweaks. I often learn better by seeing, so here's a quick edit I might suggest:
The vision (I used this because you've used the word dream a few times) catapulted me back thirteen years. As a married woman, dressed in the trouble-making, revealing dress, I relived the disaster that played out in my old kitchen. I knew I had no business wearing the turquoise, too-short dress anywhere, let alone a bar, but it didn't stop me. My drug-addicted husband glared at me as I stumbled. <i>I bet he thinks this is the only time I cheated. Even with all his faults, he doesn't deserve me.</i> (the <i>indicates italics)
This is just a quick example to show how rearranging the words can tighten it up, leaving more room for descriptions, body language, dialog, and thoughts (in italics).
You have an incredible foundation. Your message is perfect for today's world. I'm so sorry you went through all of that pain, but have learned much about myself through your words. The ending brought the story full-circle and left me with hope and a sense of peace. You did an outstanding job and are quite brave. Thank you.
I pray that you will find real joy and peace in your life.