Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Trust and Obey (don't write about the song) (05/21/15)
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TITLE: Lima Charlie | Previous Challenge Entry
By Abel Blake
05/27/15 -
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I can't see anything.
“Did you hear me, private?”
I reach down for my radio but my arm doesn't seem to move right.
“Private Sylvan, this is Echo 7, do you copy?”
My face is pressed up against something smooth and hard. I reach up with my other arm and push against it. It moves a little. I push harder and lift it up and off of me. The humvee door thuds onto the dirt.
“Private Sylvan, this is Echo 7, what is your status, over.”
I reach down for my radio again.
“Echo 7, uh, we've taken indirect mortar fire.”
I look over the what's left of the humvee. Most of the back half is gone. I might have been blown out with the door. Maybe it rolled; I don't know.
“Are there any casualties?”
The Lt is still in the shotgun slumped over, Reynolds, he's, he's not alive, and Sergeant, where's Sergeant?
“We've got at least two casualties. One dead and we need a Medevac for Lt.”
“Negative, we won't be able to get a Medevac to you. You need to find Sergeant and get him to help you with Lt before the hajjis come sniffing around.”
I scan around quickly. Sergeant is standing a few yards off.
“Sergeant!”
He doesn't move. His weapon hangs loosely on its sling.
“Sergeant!”
I turn him around. His eyes are staring out miles and miles past me.
“Sergeant, you need to help me with Lt!” I yell at him. He nods and mutters something but I can't hear him over the ringing in my ears.
“Ok, Private, now you will need to get them to cover. There's a building east of your location.”
I find the building easily. It's about a hundred yards away.
“Sergeant, we need to get Lt to that building there.” I try to grab Lt's shoulder strap but my arm doesn't move again. I look at it to see what's the matter but look away quickly. I use my other arm to yank him out of the vehicle. Sergeant doesn't say anything but pulls Lt out with me.
“Good job, Private. We've sent some blackhawks your way to pick you up. Better signal them down.”
I can just barely make out the silhouettes of three blackhawks on the horizon.
“Sergeant, where are the flares?”
He looks at the absent back half of the humvee. Reynolds pack is still on him. I dig through it best I can with one arm. I pocket his tourniquet; might need to use that. I pull out a smoke grenade and set it off. White clouds billow around me. I start to sway. The ringing is intense. I reach down for my radio but its not there.
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I would encourage you to write out the words like lieutenant instead of the abbreviation. I'm all for open-ended stories, but this ending felt a bit too abrupt. I thought it needed some form of closure. It doesn't need to be wrapped up in a bow all nice and neat, but needs some kind of ending. Even something like My heart pounded as I looked around for my radio. Suddenly, I realized the sergeant had destroyed it. An evil grin flitted across his face. I raised my head to the heavens and started to pray. (I know I took liberties and that isn't at all likely the direction you intended, but I wanted to show you what I meant. It's still open-ended, and the reader may wonder what happens next, but there is a conclusion.) I read it again and wonder now if perhaps the ending was meant to show that the MC was talking to someone, even though he didn't have his radio. If that was the case, you could add something like: I shook my head. If my radio was gone, how did I hear the orders? I look up to the heavens and salute.
I won't try to rewrite your ending anymore. I think you did a fine job with this story. I liked the underlying messages, and I strongly suspect that different people will take away something different from the story. That takes a lot of talent and shoes the Holy Spirit is at work and using your stories in ways you may never anticipate. You also definitely nailed the topic in a fresh and interesting way.
Well done. Thanks for sharing.