Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Don’t Look Back (04/19/12)
-
TITLE: Bearly Scriptural | Previous Challenge Entry
By darlene thompson
04/24/12 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
After several hours of quiet meditation and thankfulness for God's palette of creation, I descended into the pristine valley below. Slowly I eased down the narrow trails to a clump of standing pines. I was lost in the rapture of the joys I had seen.
As I neared the last few trees, a dark figure emerged from behind the last pine tree. Standing before me was a 200 pound black bear. My heart thundered clapped in my chest. I looked at the bear as he sniffed the cool air.
My mind raced to all those up pieces of advice on what to do when confronted by a bear. Yelling and shouting did not seem appropriate because my lips would not form sounds. Running was not an option either as my legs felt like solid cement. I was frozen in time. The bear stared at me and moved slowly toward me. Suddenly, he stopped and sniffed the air again. With pounding heart, I eased backwards toward a small knoll. Near the knoll my feet took flight and soon I dashed to the top. In my ears I heard, "Don't look back! Don't look back!"
Finally, I stopped to catch my breath. Below, I could see the bear had moved across the grass and waded a slow moving stream. Soon he disappeared into the forest.
The encounter with the bear reminded me of my own Christian life. It is better not to look at "those things behind me but press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
God Bless you~
You had a couple of tiny typos like up instead of in and thundered clapped. You may also want to double space between the paragraphs to give the reader more white space.
I liked your message at the end but it seemed like it was an abrupt transition. Sometimes I've put things in my story because this is a Christian site and I felt there should be a Christian message in it. Since then I've learned as long as the story is from my heart, the Holy Spirit will make a different message to different people.
To me it seemed a tad too abrupt of a change of thoughts. Perhaps if you had transitioned it more or told a personal story that shows your message. Something like When my mom died, I found myself looking back all of the time. By looking over my shoulder, I was allowing the past to catch up with me. If I didn't start looking forward, I'd find the past devouring me, much like the bear would have. That example may not be perfect but I am hoping it will illustrate what I was trying to say. I'm not saying your way was wrong, by any means, but wanted to show you how your great story could be an outstanding one just by smoothing the transition.
Overall. you did a fantastic job. The pace of the story was perfect. You brought up the conflict right away to entice the reader to read more. The ending was great too. I could just picture the bear lounging by the lake reminiscing about the silly human walking backwards. :) You definitely were spot on topic and it was a fresh POV. I love it when someone attacks the topic from a different angle and you did just that. Your message is a clear one too and one we all need to be reminded of now and then. I look forward to reading more of your stories as this was one of my favorites so far this week.