The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/17/18
Beautiful message, well done!

Blessings~
This is a heart-wrenching story for sure, yet I believe many can relate to it. I know I certainly can relate. It proves the cliché "when it rains it pours" is so true.

I have just a smidgen of red ink. I noticed in the beginning, you started out with telling. I'd urge you to paint more of a picture. For example, I might edit it like this: I stumbled along the river bank as the wind whipped at my body, blowing my hair in all directions. Pulling my sweater tight against me, I could hear my teeth chattering against the bitter cold.
I took some liberties to show you what I mean. Adding thoughts, dialog, and body language can help paint a picture for your reader. Also consider using contractions as they sound more natural in this type of writing. Back in the day, teachers discouraged me to use them, but instead wanted me to write formally. That's fine for formal papers, but in stories like this and adding slang, these little nuances will bring depth to your character and sound more natural too.

I really liked how the couple prayed. It can be such a powerful tool, and not everyone understands how to talk to God. Often, we may be hesitant to step up to a stranger and offer to pray. But God does prompt us to do so and it can make such a huge difference as you showed in your delightful message. You did a great job of writing on topic. And you touched my heart.
Hi...Your piece was very moving. I can totally relate to all your tears. You are a trooper, indeed. And those strangers offering to pray for you was not a coincidence--it was a God-incident, for He sent them to you. Your message is one of hope in the midst of what seems hopeless. Truly inspiring. I can relate about losing your beloved pet, as I, too, have a precious kitty who is 13 already! Keep up the good work. You are a fine writer, indeed. Just work a little more on punctuation in certain places. Hard, I know. It took me a while to figure it out, and I still have difficulties at times. Anyway, keep on motoring. Glad your marriage is back in order! Regards...
05/18/18
Thanks for sharing the trials you have been through, many can relate to losing a pet, I have a dog and a cat. Also a broken marriage, although not because of infidelity. Good suggestions by others.
Breaking up in more paragraphs will make it easier to read. Keep writing.
Your story was very interesting. You kept my attention throughout.

The writing could be improved upon by not using ‘just’ and ‘that’ too frequently. I suggest you read your piece over again and again throughout the week. Look for ways to restructure sentences to make the reading flow more smoothly.

A very well developed story, in that the reader could identify with your pain and hope.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.