The Official Writing Challenge
BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN
INSTRUCTIONS
how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level
ENTRIES
submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.


TRUST JESUS TODAY

  • Share
  • how it works
  • Submit
Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: THE UGLY TOURIST (07/09/15)
“Look Mommy, some funny looking men!”

“Shhh. Dont say that.” said Seila to her four year old daughter.

“Mommy they are..”

“Yeena” said Mom “We must be kind to visitors”

In Yeena’s mind their behaviour was strange. Tall men stood in the center of their village speaking loudly.
First they sang songs, then one of them opened a book and started reading. It was the Bible and then he talked to people through a translator.

Mummy was one of the people listening.
First the talking man spoke about sin and forgiveness for the wrong things people did. He spoke about a man called Jesus Christ who came to live on earth many years ago but was actually God’s Son.

“He came to set us free” the man kept saying.

“He was the perfect man. He never sinned. He told them that He was the Son of God. He lived with ordinary people. His mother was a human woman. The rulers and some of the people treated him cruelly”

“Mummy look, they are showing a movie too.”

Yeena, Seila and lots of the village people sat on the grass and watched aghast as the short movie showed the kind Jesus being cruelly killed. It surprised them all when he was seen alive again.

“He must have been in so much pain on that cross” wept Yeena. Her mom comforted her.

In her mind she kept wondering where these men came from. There were few tourists or outsiders here in the high villages of the Himalayas. These tourist men were not like local men. Her own Papa was small compared to them.
To her child-like eyes they seemed strange.

“ Almost ugly” she thought to herself.
They had pale white skin while her people’s skin was almost brown. They was tall compared to the men she knew.

After the movie and the teaching many people from the village asked questions. Some asked if they could talk to Jesus and become his followers. The men gave them Bibles in their language and said prayers with them.

The thing that was really interesting to Yeena was when the men prayed for people who were sick. Many got better before their eyes. There was a lot of clapping and weeping. Instead of tourists she now thought of them as ‘Biblemen’.

One of them said *“Healing is something Jesus did and he said we would too”.

*Mark 16 :17 -18
17 And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18 they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."
**Matthew 10: 8
Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give.

“Now we will follow Jesus” said the Village chief joyfully.

The men said “Pastor Yinn lives three miles away and he would come to see you after I leave. He will teach you and be your guide”

Yeena and Seila’s lives were changed that day.

Epilogue.
As a child Yeena had secretly thought the Biblemen were ugly tourists but today as a grown woman she remembers
with joy the day that they came. Now the village has two churches and their own pastors. One of them is her beloved husband Timot.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This article has been read 616 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Loni Bowden-Horn 
07/16/15
This was a moving story about how Jesus can move in the hearts of any man or woman. What many would consider ugly God turns into something beautiful. You worked a stirring testimony into a rather difficult topic this week.
Ingrid Forsberg
07/16/15
I like it. In fact, unless you ask me not to, I'm going to read your story this coming Sunday to the Sunday school class I teach. This Sunday's lesson is about Jesus our healer. It would be a nice addition to your church bulletin. Great message.
C D Swanson 
07/17/15
Excellent and powerful story about how Jesus changes lives. Great job with this!

God bless~
Pat Small
07/17/15
I enjoyed this as my husband and I were missionaries and ugly and strange. I saw some grammatical issues you need to be proofing. But overall a great story.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
07/23/15
This is a lovely story. I enjoyed seeing it through the eyes of your young MC. I think you touched on the topic in a fresh way. Not only were the men funny looking, which covers the physical part, but I saw snippets that could be seen as the rude part which is what the topic was meant to be about. If you're ever unsure, check the forums because Deb explains the topic and what the judges will look for.

I think if you had added some body language too, it would have created a great mental picture. For example:"Shhh. Dont say that.” Seila pushed her four-year-old's arm down before anyone in the crowd saw her mouth hanging open, widened eyes, and her finger pointing at the strangers.

Just by adding these tiny details, you can show who is speaking while painting a picture for the reader.

I think your beginning was a great way to pull the reader in. I was captivated by the conflict and eager to keep reading. I also enjoyed the ending. While I think the Bible verses were a great fit, in a fictional story you usually wouldn't add the reference and possibly even the verse unless it's part of the dialog. Instead use an asterisk and footnote. (Plus unless it's super long, a footnote or author's note doesn't count towards the 750 word limit.)

You also did a good job of showcasing your message. I believe different people will take away different messages which is a sign of good writing and of the Holy Spirit working through your words. That is a wonderful thing for both reader and author. I look forward to reading more of your work.