The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/31/15
I liked the fact you shared with your son bible stories. Trust and obey is an important lesson to learn.
I think you did a delightful job of telling this story. You drew me in right away, and I found myself as immersed in it as young Thomas was.

The only thing I might suggest would be to sprinkle some actions in between the dialog. For example: Yanking Papa's hand, sweat beaded up on Thomas's face. "Tell me the fisherman story Papa." Thomas pushed his lower lip out and linked his fingers together. "Please,Papa." and
"...They kept their voices down as well." Papa paused and glanced over his shoulder. Smiling, he pulled Thomas closer, waved his arms and continued in a soft tone. "John motioned them to be quiet."
I know part of it is the word limit, but I think just a tiny bit more showing will make this fantastic story into an outstanding one.
You did a great job of writing on topic. I could feel the suspense build as I read, I truly enjoyed this. The message is just as pertinent in today's world. You did a great job of including the topic throughout all of the story. I think you did a great job.
Congratulations on ranking 6th in your level! Happy Dance!