Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Love and Grace (09/11/14)
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TITLE: Unexpected Gift | Previous Challenge Entry
By Becky Real
09/18/14 -
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I learned of her existence in the lobby of a cancer center on a not-so-very-good day. I don’t even know why I answered the phone. I was a wreck. In a nearby room, my husband was waging a battle against cancer and just moments before the phone rang I’d been slapped in the face with a foreshadowing of our future. He was going to die. I was going to watch it happen. Not right away. But I knew with a certainty that shook me to my core – this was a war we would lose.
In the midst of the battle, she became our vision and sustained us with renewed purpose. Her birth gave us reasons to celebrate, to gather, to laugh, to cry, to smile, to sing, to tell stories, to snuggle, to cuddle, and to make memories.
She touched our hearts and brought healing to our pain and suffering. Once-divided sisters united to become doting aunts and set aside their bitter and angry childhood battles. Marriage vows were exchanged once commitment and love between two new parents deepened. Chemo side-effects subsided with the infusion of baby snuggles and cuddles.
She has transformed us with new life and lightened our mourning. Grief is softened by long, deep hugs and sticky, sloppy kisses. Life sparkles anew in deep brown glittering eyes. Joy explodes with giggles and tickles.
She is our gift. Her parents named her Makenzie. It should have been Grace.
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Thank you for sharing this amazingly tender story.
God bless~
Great work.
The story had a lot of descriptions that gave the tone of the situation but who are the sisters, the husband and the surprise "girl"?
It seem I will have to wait for chapter two to find out.
Nice job.
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1 Peter 3:15 - But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and [be] ready always to [give] an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:
Hugs and prayers, Judi
God bless~
I noticed the beginning was a tad weak. In this day of age where a new story is only a click away, it's vital to grab that reader immediately. Your beginning is all passive sentences. What I might suggest would be to do something like this: While sitting in the waiting room of the cancer center, the sound of my phone trilling jangled my nerves. My husband was having an especially bad day, and I almost ignored the ringing. Glancing at the caller ID, I saw my sister's number. When I picked up the phone, I could hear her crying. My stomach plummetted at her voice. "I don't know how it happened. We're not ready to be parents. Oh what should I do?"
I know I added a lot to the story and some may not fit, but I wanted to show you a way to use "salsa" words like plummetted, trilling, and jangled. They not only give accurate descriptions, but they create a picture of the conflict right out of the box. The dialog also helps move the story along while giving insight to the characters.
I don't mean to be overly critical, but wanted to show one way to make that beginning really pop as it's one of the 8 criteria the judges use. I think you did great with the others, you used the topic throughout the entire story. Your message is clear and one everyone can relate to. I love your ending. The one thing I noticed is a lot of people named characters Grace this week so maybe one way you could be a tad more original is to do something like this: They named her McKenzie, but to me she will always be the saving grace that pulled me back into the world of living again. That might be too cheesy and on its own I like your ending other than the use of the name was done so much this week. Overall, you told a beautiful story that shows how things that seem insurmountable like a young unplanned pregnancy can turn into the biggest blessing in the world. You touched my heart and reinforced a message God was telling me just yesterday. Thank you for sharing.