Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Bouncebackability (06/05/14)
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TITLE: The Jesus Forcefield | Previous Challenge Entry
By Rosey Mucklestone
06/12/14 -
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Joel had always been the easiest one to pick on. He never stood up for himself or told the teachers. He just ducked his head, hoping his unruly brown hair would hide his face. It seemed that he took every insult to heart. Max found it funny the way Joel’s skinny shoulders slumped under his eternally too-big blue hoodie and he shuffled away. But it had all changed.
The first change was very subtle. It was just in the way he held himself. He held his head high and his shoulders straight with a new sense of self. Max pointed it out to his friends and they snickered about it behind the teacher’s back during class. But it took on a whole new aspect at lunch. Max approached Joel after they’d both gone through the lunch line.
“Yo. Loser. What the heck do you think you’re . . .” Joel turned with a smile,
“Hi, Max! I noticed you were pretty near the back of the line at lunch. And I saw there was only one pudding left, so I grabbed you the last one. You like chocolate better than vanilla right?” Joel pushed the pudding into Max’s thick hand and beamed before turning and walking off to eat his lunch. Max stood there staring stupidly at the squarish cup in his hand.
The attitude change continued throughout the week, until one day Max just couldn’t stand it anymore.
“The bouncebackability on that kid is just ridiculous!” He complained to his friend, “It’s like he doesn’t even notice any of the stuff that used to put him in a funk for the rest of the day. I mean, what happened?” His friend shrugged,
“I don’t know. Just ignore him. We can find someone else to pick on.”
But that still did nothing to quell Max’s curiosity. So, at recess, Max mustered his courage and walked up behind Joel. Without a thought, he gave his usual greeting for Joel.
“Yo, Loser.” Joel looked over his shoulder, grinned, then turned the rest of the way.
“Hey! How are you, Max?” he asked genially. Max clenched and unclenched his fists,
“Now THIS is what’s driving me nuts! What’s up with you, dude? Just last week you were the biggest wimp in school and scared to death of me, now you treat my like I’m your best friend. What happened?”
Joel put his hand on Max’s shoulder, “The best thing in my life happened,” he answered.
“Ever heard of Jesus?”
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When we learn what jesus expects of us and learn not to fear what man might be able to do to us but fear what the God of creation is able to do, our lives will change.
Good example in your story.
Great job.
God bless~
God Bless~
I see in your profile that you're only 15, but you've been publishing books for over two years. I don't want to say that you're good for your age because you're good for any age.
There were a couple of little things I've noticed that might help you go from a good author to an outstanding one. In the following paragraph, I'd cut out the word very before subtle. Subtle is a great word and can stand on its own. You also use some passive sentences that might be more powerful if switched to active ones. This is just my opinion, but I might write the paragraph like this:
Suddenly, Max started noticing subtle changes in Joel. He held his head high and threw his shoulders back with a new sense of self. Max pointed at Joel while snickering with his friends. "What a doofus!"
I didn't change much, just rearranged the sentences and added some realistic dialog. My way isn't better than yours, but I wanted to show you what I meant by active vs passive. I also included the dialog right after Max's action so the reader knew who was speaking.
You have an amazing sense of timing. You paced the story perfectly. I also loved the way the topic was woven throughout the entire story. Many challenge writers struggle with the ending. You nailed it though. You answered the reader's questions while simultaneously making me thirst for more of the story. That's not easy to do.
I'm a moderator on the FW for Kids' site, and if you would ever like feedback on your work, don't hesitate to contact me. I'll be honest, and all of my critiques come from a genuine desire to help you become the best writer possible. Also, you could post stories on the kid's site (if you haven't already) and get some feedback from your peers. No matter what, don't get discouraged because you have some awesome talent. I totally enjoyed your story and am eager to read more of your work.